Whenever a storm is brewing I'm full of anxiety and this morning was just one of those mornings. It was only raining and a balmy 48 degrees but Jen had to drive to Augusta...I worry, I can't help it.
We got up, had coffee, went online and said our goodbyes for the day. I worry. Drive safe and all that jazz!
I get to school, jazzed that there were going to be no principals in the building but my day spiraled downward. Lynn left a survey in my mailbox that was suppose to be conducted last week that I was now responsible for getting done. After countless e-mails back and forth with Kay and Betsy, I was scheduled to go up there for a few minutes after lunch.
Middle School Band was okay...they aren't clean enough for a concert, but whatever! Beginner Band same story...whatever, not my fault...give me time, make your kids practice, give a shit!
Study hall was nice...quiet, productive, enjoyable. 5th grade watched "A Muppet Christmas Carol"...relaxing 100 minutes.
Lunch was a hoot...Sarah and Steve doing their impressions of Chris and teasing Sarah about word-a-day toilet paper. Note to self...google word-a-day toilet paper.
Then all hell broke loose. I went to 8th grade. What a bunch of whiny little bitches and assholes. GRRRRR! They are so rude and disrespectful! What a waste of 15 minutes....I was so frustrated and then had to go right in to teaching 1st grade....YIPPEEE!!!! Not to mention Lynn calling Donna all day to relay messages to me.....OMG!
At 2:00 8th grade chorus came down which turned into another bitchfest! I opted to cancel tonight's meeting, send home a letter, postpone the fun afternoon, and revamp the ballot. GRRR! Then off go the drama queens deciding who is going to sing what part for the song. WHATEVER!!!
Andrea showed up in my room shortly after that and we talked for over an hour. It's always nice to chat with her...and chat we can!
I missed 2 calls from Jen, called her back, bitched for a minute, she was just leaving Hannaford so I headed home too.
We both went online, worked on stuff for work and then I made a broccoli casserole and she made ritz crumb haddock. YUM-O!
After dinner we had the most magical night. We made love on the couch with sexy music on in the background and just the Christmas lights illuminating our space. It was so wonderful. I kind of ruined the moment when I caught the lyrics to "No Other Love" I broke down. I felt this overwhelming love and held Jen so tight! We snuggled for a while and talked. We talked about how we've always talked after sex. We talked about how good we are together now in many ways...we fight less, love more, appreciate each other more...it's so nice. We watched the rest of NL Christmas Vacation then headed to bed.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Journal Entry
Tuesday, December 9, 2008:
I cried...why the hell did I cry....Jen's travelled to Portland before but for some reason this morning the kisses were a little longer, there were more of them and the goodbye seemed to last forever, that makes no sense. However, the door closed, she walked away and there I stood in tears. I pulled myself together and wondered why I was crying. Of course the way my mind works all I could think was that something bad was going to happen.
So, after making myself a delicious ham and cheese flatbread (quesadilla) for breakfast, I got my ass in gear and headed to work. I drove the truck....squeezing my fat ass behind the wheel...and had to hold the door closed with one hand while driving...not easy! I couldn't close the door because Jen said the window was being pissy and she didn't want me to break it by forcing it down. My only other option was crawl across the passengers side....I DON'T THINK SO!
So, I arrived at work...talked to Cindy for a few minutes, then Martha jumped in too. We discussed Michelle and what she and I need to talk about concerning classroom management.
Chorus sounded great this morning...wish they enjoyed the 12 Groovy Days as much as I do. Oh well! Where are You Christmas is going to bring the audience to tears. Snow Day is just so much fun and the harmony sounds awesome!!!
Study Hall I was so frustrated...I don't get why certain kids can't just sit there and behave. I threatened detention for 2 of them. I e-mailed Tim for advice...not sure what to do!
I spent sometime during my make shift planning period to organize an agenda for the 8th grade meeting tomorrow night and get the b-ball game schedule ready for national anthem sign-ups.
2nd grade classes went by very fast. I was so proud of the lesson I came up with. I had the CMajor scale written on the board with the note colors corresponding to the boomwhacker. It was so cool. I need to create a giant poster like that so we can keep posted!
All after school activities/games were cancelled due to the weather. It snowed all day and all I could think about what Jen travelling back from Portland. I checked my e-mail before leaving school and there was an e-mail from Aunt K. She wants to come up here for Christmas. I thought that was cool! I contacted DHS and withdrew my proposal to travel out of state with Lillie. Kylie called back within minutes and agreed to my new proposal...SAWEET!!!! I sent Jen a text, she thought that was cool!
I headed home...shovelled and played with the dog outside for a bit. I got changed and played Order Up for a bit. Jen called to say they were just leaving. I watched Oprah and prepped supper. Played Spider Solitare and just as I was getting ready to start the oven, Jen called to say she was in Newport. I got supper going and chilled out to watch FRIENDS.
Jen was home a little after 6:00. We had a yummy supper, even though my potatoes were very gluey! Jen wanted to eat all the skins off the chicken...she managed to snag just one extra. As I was cleaning up her mom called. I did the dishes, scooped the litter boxes and brought a ton of trash down and they were still on the phone. When Jen finally got off the phone I asked if they were all caught up and she got all offended. I was just kidding. I found NL Christmas Vacation on demand. We only managed to watch 30 minutes of it before Jen needed to go to bed. I crawled into bed and watched this week's All My Children.
I cried...why the hell did I cry....Jen's travelled to Portland before but for some reason this morning the kisses were a little longer, there were more of them and the goodbye seemed to last forever, that makes no sense. However, the door closed, she walked away and there I stood in tears. I pulled myself together and wondered why I was crying. Of course the way my mind works all I could think was that something bad was going to happen.
So, after making myself a delicious ham and cheese flatbread (quesadilla) for breakfast, I got my ass in gear and headed to work. I drove the truck....squeezing my fat ass behind the wheel...and had to hold the door closed with one hand while driving...not easy! I couldn't close the door because Jen said the window was being pissy and she didn't want me to break it by forcing it down. My only other option was crawl across the passengers side....I DON'T THINK SO!
So, I arrived at work...talked to Cindy for a few minutes, then Martha jumped in too. We discussed Michelle and what she and I need to talk about concerning classroom management.
Chorus sounded great this morning...wish they enjoyed the 12 Groovy Days as much as I do. Oh well! Where are You Christmas is going to bring the audience to tears. Snow Day is just so much fun and the harmony sounds awesome!!!
Study Hall I was so frustrated...I don't get why certain kids can't just sit there and behave. I threatened detention for 2 of them. I e-mailed Tim for advice...not sure what to do!
I spent sometime during my make shift planning period to organize an agenda for the 8th grade meeting tomorrow night and get the b-ball game schedule ready for national anthem sign-ups.
2nd grade classes went by very fast. I was so proud of the lesson I came up with. I had the CMajor scale written on the board with the note colors corresponding to the boomwhacker. It was so cool. I need to create a giant poster like that so we can keep posted!
All after school activities/games were cancelled due to the weather. It snowed all day and all I could think about what Jen travelling back from Portland. I checked my e-mail before leaving school and there was an e-mail from Aunt K. She wants to come up here for Christmas. I thought that was cool! I contacted DHS and withdrew my proposal to travel out of state with Lillie. Kylie called back within minutes and agreed to my new proposal...SAWEET!!!! I sent Jen a text, she thought that was cool!
I headed home...shovelled and played with the dog outside for a bit. I got changed and played Order Up for a bit. Jen called to say they were just leaving. I watched Oprah and prepped supper. Played Spider Solitare and just as I was getting ready to start the oven, Jen called to say she was in Newport. I got supper going and chilled out to watch FRIENDS.
Jen was home a little after 6:00. We had a yummy supper, even though my potatoes were very gluey! Jen wanted to eat all the skins off the chicken...she managed to snag just one extra. As I was cleaning up her mom called. I did the dishes, scooped the litter boxes and brought a ton of trash down and they were still on the phone. When Jen finally got off the phone I asked if they were all caught up and she got all offended. I was just kidding. I found NL Christmas Vacation on demand. We only managed to watch 30 minutes of it before Jen needed to go to bed. I crawled into bed and watched this week's All My Children.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Journaling Again
I found old journals while cleaning last Friday and realized that journals were my best friend for years. After I found love in my life, the journals stopped. Why? Why was the happiest time of my life not documented?
So, here I begin...writing again...Lord knows I have the time
Dear diary....oh as if, how 6th grade!!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
The alarm sounded at 5:00...way too early as usual. Jen and I slipped into our routine of coffee, laptops, and getting ready. It was freezing out this morning and we worked to clean off our cars before freezing to death!
Today was a CRAZY work day! (Still sounds a little 6th grade, but oh well). I had a full day ahead of me. I stopped to chat with Maurice, Martha and Cindy in the morning...that's so much fun. It's a time when I really feel part of something wonderful...part of a team. We chatted about this weekend's crazy weather as if we'd never seen snow before...we've all lived in Maine how long? I continued down the hall passing people "Good Morning"....or the Maine way "Good Mahnin"....lol, Nancy Morrison.
My day was one thing after another...full band rehearsal...can't say I'm happy with the results but trying to keep a positive attitude. Trumpets/Trombones with a flute player...interesting mix. 4th grade...feeling a little bad for coming down on Jacob and Sean so bad but my God can't they just shut up long enough! 3rd grade..what a challenge but doing okay. Then I had a little breather but not much. Lynn popped in to apologize for the misprint in the newsletter...she swears I've done a Christmas padgent....uh, nope! Guess what's in store for me next year, if I'm even here! Had lunch with Freda, Joe, Helena for a minute (thank goodness, I can't stand to watch her eat), Cindy and Martha. They started talking about Catholics and I got a little nervous when I thought the discussion was swinging toward gay marriage, but instead it when to pornography...phhew! Then they started talking about that Hallmark movie "Front of the Class". Martha started doing her impression and I almost lost my lunch...what a riot. I was still in the lunchroom when Sarah and Deanna came in. Then neanderthal man...he's creepy and he kept interjecting stupid comments. My afternoon completed with 3 kindergartens...Renee's being the toughest as always...I feel like I'm running a daycare sometimes!
Afterschool Lynn popped in again. She wants to do a fun afternoon next Monday. WHATEVER! I had Sara's flute lesson which at the tale end of she and Becca practiced the national anthem for tomorrow's game. I puttered around for a bit before Vicki's lesson. She's got such a great tone. I'm pleased I have a Goodwin in my band once again, let's just hope she sticks with it unlike her sisters. Her lesson was semi-disrupted by Michelle and her kids getting set up. The pre-concert time was a chaotic mess. That girl needs to get organized! Even Brenda Jackson was chomping at the bit. It was 6:25 before parents were allowed in to be seated. CRAZY! We'll be discussing this in our meeting next week.
I finally got home around 7:30. Jen was hard at work prepping supper. She had laundry going and beef jerky on to. I tried not to make the conversation all about me. I was shocked to hear Susie quit. Of course I go into selfish mode thinking what's going to happen with Christmas vacation, but I remained quiet and let her talk about it. I kissed her and scooted off to get changed. We had a delicious meal which was gone in seconds because we were so hungry. She headed off to finish laundry and iron her clothes for the morning. I did the dishes. We met up and retreated to the couch. Not much on so we watched Good Eats for about a half hour then went to bed to watch the rest of "Front of the Class". I brought some beef jerky and chocolate to bed....pretty romantic huh? We only watched about 20 minutes of the movie before shutting it off. Jen wanted me to kiss her back. I did for a short time but my jaw was getting tired. She kept whining for more but I just wanted to rub it so I could lay my head down and go to sleep. I feel bad sometimes, I don't want to say no to her, but I was exhausted and I knew we had to get up early!
So, here I begin...writing again...Lord knows I have the time
Dear diary....oh as if, how 6th grade!!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
The alarm sounded at 5:00...way too early as usual. Jen and I slipped into our routine of coffee, laptops, and getting ready. It was freezing out this morning and we worked to clean off our cars before freezing to death!
Today was a CRAZY work day! (Still sounds a little 6th grade, but oh well). I had a full day ahead of me. I stopped to chat with Maurice, Martha and Cindy in the morning...that's so much fun. It's a time when I really feel part of something wonderful...part of a team. We chatted about this weekend's crazy weather as if we'd never seen snow before...we've all lived in Maine how long? I continued down the hall passing people "Good Morning"....or the Maine way "Good Mahnin"....lol, Nancy Morrison.
My day was one thing after another...full band rehearsal...can't say I'm happy with the results but trying to keep a positive attitude. Trumpets/Trombones with a flute player...interesting mix. 4th grade...feeling a little bad for coming down on Jacob and Sean so bad but my God can't they just shut up long enough! 3rd grade..what a challenge but doing okay. Then I had a little breather but not much. Lynn popped in to apologize for the misprint in the newsletter...she swears I've done a Christmas padgent....uh, nope! Guess what's in store for me next year, if I'm even here! Had lunch with Freda, Joe, Helena for a minute (thank goodness, I can't stand to watch her eat), Cindy and Martha. They started talking about Catholics and I got a little nervous when I thought the discussion was swinging toward gay marriage, but instead it when to pornography...phhew! Then they started talking about that Hallmark movie "Front of the Class". Martha started doing her impression and I almost lost my lunch...what a riot. I was still in the lunchroom when Sarah and Deanna came in. Then neanderthal man...he's creepy and he kept interjecting stupid comments. My afternoon completed with 3 kindergartens...Renee's being the toughest as always...I feel like I'm running a daycare sometimes!
Afterschool Lynn popped in again. She wants to do a fun afternoon next Monday. WHATEVER! I had Sara's flute lesson which at the tale end of she and Becca practiced the national anthem for tomorrow's game. I puttered around for a bit before Vicki's lesson. She's got such a great tone. I'm pleased I have a Goodwin in my band once again, let's just hope she sticks with it unlike her sisters. Her lesson was semi-disrupted by Michelle and her kids getting set up. The pre-concert time was a chaotic mess. That girl needs to get organized! Even Brenda Jackson was chomping at the bit. It was 6:25 before parents were allowed in to be seated. CRAZY! We'll be discussing this in our meeting next week.
I finally got home around 7:30. Jen was hard at work prepping supper. She had laundry going and beef jerky on to. I tried not to make the conversation all about me. I was shocked to hear Susie quit. Of course I go into selfish mode thinking what's going to happen with Christmas vacation, but I remained quiet and let her talk about it. I kissed her and scooted off to get changed. We had a delicious meal which was gone in seconds because we were so hungry. She headed off to finish laundry and iron her clothes for the morning. I did the dishes. We met up and retreated to the couch. Not much on so we watched Good Eats for about a half hour then went to bed to watch the rest of "Front of the Class". I brought some beef jerky and chocolate to bed....pretty romantic huh? We only watched about 20 minutes of the movie before shutting it off. Jen wanted me to kiss her back. I did for a short time but my jaw was getting tired. She kept whining for more but I just wanted to rub it so I could lay my head down and go to sleep. I feel bad sometimes, I don't want to say no to her, but I was exhausted and I knew we had to get up early!
Monday, February 4, 2008
Life, Love and L Word
I was bored Saturday...had plenty to do, no kid for the weekend, and my wife was working, however, I felt compelled to watch the 1st season of the L Word. The beautiful couple, Bette and Tina as we met them. Bette, wearing the pants in the relationship vs. mousy Tina. Still, they had passion, they had a beautiful chemistry, they were so in love. As the season progresses, the ups and downs, the affair that tore them apart, it was all so real and so powerful.
It amazes me how these 2 actresses can make something ficticious SO real! The kissing, the love making, the love between them....so much passion.....beautiful acting! My stomach gets butterflies when I think of them together. I've watched every season to see Bette & Tina come closer and then apart and closer and apart...it's so frustrating. I had this hope after last week's episode that they were coming back together. Then I'm left hanging after last night's episode. Damn you I.C. for making us wait. Keeping us wondering!
I started to think about my own life and my own relationship with my beautiful wife. We've come along way in 3 years. She's my first and only relationship with a woman and despite the nerves I had to overcome with all the firsts, it's been so comfortable. Being with a woman truly is a beautiful thing. One of my greatest accomplishments in life is being true to myself and accepting my life for what it is...extraordinary!
Watching The L Word was refreshing. I wanted what these actresses were simply "acting" out because it was so real to me. I made a promise to myself that every kiss from now on would be passionate, every touch would be from the heart, and every chance I had, I would make love to my wife. A fire was burning inside me. I wanted a life full of love and joy and passion.
Jen is the best thing that has happened to me. She's challenged me, loved me, brought me joy, made me think, showed me how to love and be loved. I love her so much!
It amazes me how these 2 actresses can make something ficticious SO real! The kissing, the love making, the love between them....so much passion.....beautiful acting! My stomach gets butterflies when I think of them together. I've watched every season to see Bette & Tina come closer and then apart and closer and apart...it's so frustrating. I had this hope after last week's episode that they were coming back together. Then I'm left hanging after last night's episode. Damn you I.C. for making us wait. Keeping us wondering!
I started to think about my own life and my own relationship with my beautiful wife. We've come along way in 3 years. She's my first and only relationship with a woman and despite the nerves I had to overcome with all the firsts, it's been so comfortable. Being with a woman truly is a beautiful thing. One of my greatest accomplishments in life is being true to myself and accepting my life for what it is...extraordinary!
Watching The L Word was refreshing. I wanted what these actresses were simply "acting" out because it was so real to me. I made a promise to myself that every kiss from now on would be passionate, every touch would be from the heart, and every chance I had, I would make love to my wife. A fire was burning inside me. I wanted a life full of love and joy and passion.
Jen is the best thing that has happened to me. She's challenged me, loved me, brought me joy, made me think, showed me how to love and be loved. I love her so much!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Who knew...
7 months ago my partner and I opened our hearts and our homes to my then 4 1/2 month old niece, Lillie. I knew when we took her home, that it was going to be for a short time. Lillie became our world. Everything we did was around her schedule. She was such an easy baby and we just had a great time experiencing every little thing. The worst parts were the nightly phone calls from her parents and the twice a week visits. Still, that seemed like nothing compared to the joy she brought to our home.
2 months into the placement, my brother (the father) went to trial. I had to testify against him and what turned out to be against his girlfriend (the mother) as well. The dismissed for the day...to be continued either two days or two weeks from now....turned out to be a month. That was one more month with Lillie.
My brother lost. Initially he lost custody all together and the judge turned full custody to the state. That turned us into foster parents, not just a kinship placement. By this time we were 3 months into the placement. Lillie was creeping, sitting up, playing with toys, babbling, and so much fun.
Things turned a month later when the judge appealed the verdict since my brother was going to gain custody, not lose it altogether. Things went back to where they were. Holidays came and went, my partner and I grew closer than ever to Lillie. We wanted to be a family but knew that was only possible if certain things happened (or didn't happen from DHS point of view).
Month 7, here we are. I get a call on a Tuesday. Big meeting, my brother has 8 weeks, the mother is done...has not complied with their requests, they are ready to file for termination. Things are looking up...right. Well, my brother wants to move in with his parents to raise the baby.....BIG MISTAKE. I'm not happy! Next day, call, we are going to trial. It's the mother's turn to fight. Does she have a leg to stand on? Will my call/visit log make or break this case? Can she be a good mother?
I sit here at work, papers piling up, lesson plans undone, deadlines hanging over my head, all I can think about is running. Running away from the chaos, the work, the questions, the hell of sending a little girl to a place she doesn't belong. Gone from my vocabulary I want the words "jeopardy" "case worker" "DHS" "court" "lawyers" "visitation" "reunification" and "placement" to be replaced with "family" "daughter" "mommies" "love" "life" "happiness" and "adoption".
I'm making myself sick with the what ifs. I know that everything happens for a reason. Lillie was in two placements before coming to live with us...for what reason? Certainly not to get her off to a good start I hope! She was sent to us...for what reason? I want to think positive and believe that a judge is going to rule in what's best for Lillie, and keep her with us. Honestly, I'm scared. I don't think she'll be with us much longer. I don't know if I'll be able to recover from that. I wanted to be a foster parent at one point in my life, now I know I never could be. I don't have the strength to love and let go. I don't have the ability to give a child back when I don't have a good feeling about the situation she is entering.
I have spent 7 months of washing bottles, making formula, filling bottles, feeding, teaching, teething, tylenol, colds, ear infection, stomach flu, babysitter ups and downs, wet diapers, dirty diapers, dirty clothes, clean clothes, picking up toys, rearranging toys, rearranging furniture, Sesame Street, Playhouse Disney, waking up in the night to find a binky 3, 4, 5 times, spit-up, snot, drool, pee, poop, ear wax, eye goop, books, rereading books, keeping a clean house, washing the highchair, washing hands, washing the face, washing the table, washing the floor, don't touch, don't eat, don't bite, don't fall, crawl, sit, stand-up, walk, say "hi", say "bye", wave "hi", wave "bye", kisses, hugs, tears, squeals of joys, shouts of anger, bumps, falls, steps and the next goodbye could be the last.
I'm crumbling from the inside out. I'm trying to keep a tough exterior, but a house that rots from the inside eventually collapses. I'm collapsing! I need an extreme makeover in the form of a petition for terminating the parental rights of two undeserving individuals who only see their daughter as a trophy!
'NUF SAID!!!
2 months into the placement, my brother (the father) went to trial. I had to testify against him and what turned out to be against his girlfriend (the mother) as well. The dismissed for the day...to be continued either two days or two weeks from now....turned out to be a month. That was one more month with Lillie.
My brother lost. Initially he lost custody all together and the judge turned full custody to the state. That turned us into foster parents, not just a kinship placement. By this time we were 3 months into the placement. Lillie was creeping, sitting up, playing with toys, babbling, and so much fun.
Things turned a month later when the judge appealed the verdict since my brother was going to gain custody, not lose it altogether. Things went back to where they were. Holidays came and went, my partner and I grew closer than ever to Lillie. We wanted to be a family but knew that was only possible if certain things happened (or didn't happen from DHS point of view).
Month 7, here we are. I get a call on a Tuesday. Big meeting, my brother has 8 weeks, the mother is done...has not complied with their requests, they are ready to file for termination. Things are looking up...right. Well, my brother wants to move in with his parents to raise the baby.....BIG MISTAKE. I'm not happy! Next day, call, we are going to trial. It's the mother's turn to fight. Does she have a leg to stand on? Will my call/visit log make or break this case? Can she be a good mother?
I sit here at work, papers piling up, lesson plans undone, deadlines hanging over my head, all I can think about is running. Running away from the chaos, the work, the questions, the hell of sending a little girl to a place she doesn't belong. Gone from my vocabulary I want the words "jeopardy" "case worker" "DHS" "court" "lawyers" "visitation" "reunification" and "placement" to be replaced with "family" "daughter" "mommies" "love" "life" "happiness" and "adoption".
I'm making myself sick with the what ifs. I know that everything happens for a reason. Lillie was in two placements before coming to live with us...for what reason? Certainly not to get her off to a good start I hope! She was sent to us...for what reason? I want to think positive and believe that a judge is going to rule in what's best for Lillie, and keep her with us. Honestly, I'm scared. I don't think she'll be with us much longer. I don't know if I'll be able to recover from that. I wanted to be a foster parent at one point in my life, now I know I never could be. I don't have the strength to love and let go. I don't have the ability to give a child back when I don't have a good feeling about the situation she is entering.
I have spent 7 months of washing bottles, making formula, filling bottles, feeding, teaching, teething, tylenol, colds, ear infection, stomach flu, babysitter ups and downs, wet diapers, dirty diapers, dirty clothes, clean clothes, picking up toys, rearranging toys, rearranging furniture, Sesame Street, Playhouse Disney, waking up in the night to find a binky 3, 4, 5 times, spit-up, snot, drool, pee, poop, ear wax, eye goop, books, rereading books, keeping a clean house, washing the highchair, washing hands, washing the face, washing the table, washing the floor, don't touch, don't eat, don't bite, don't fall, crawl, sit, stand-up, walk, say "hi", say "bye", wave "hi", wave "bye", kisses, hugs, tears, squeals of joys, shouts of anger, bumps, falls, steps and the next goodbye could be the last.
I'm crumbling from the inside out. I'm trying to keep a tough exterior, but a house that rots from the inside eventually collapses. I'm collapsing! I need an extreme makeover in the form of a petition for terminating the parental rights of two undeserving individuals who only see their daughter as a trophy!
'NUF SAID!!!
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