Who knew...

7 months ago my partner and I opened our hearts and our homes to my then 4 1/2 month old niece, Lillie. I knew when we took her home, that it was going to be for a short time. Lillie became our world. Everything we did was around her schedule. She was such an easy baby and we just had a great time experiencing every little thing. The worst parts were the nightly phone calls from her parents and the twice a week visits. Still, that seemed like nothing compared to the joy she brought to our home.

2 months into the placement, my brother (the father) went to trial. I had to testify against him and what turned out to be against his girlfriend (the mother) as well. The dismissed for the day...to be continued either two days or two weeks from now....turned out to be a month. That was one more month with Lillie.

My brother lost. Initially he lost custody all together and the judge turned full custody to the state. That turned us into foster parents, not just a kinship placement. By this time we were 3 months into the placement. Lillie was creeping, sitting up, playing with toys, babbling, and so much fun.

Things turned a month later when the judge appealed the verdict since my brother was going to gain custody, not lose it altogether. Things went back to where they were. Holidays came and went, my partner and I grew closer than ever to Lillie. We wanted to be a family but knew that was only possible if certain things happened (or didn't happen from DHS point of view).

Month 7, here we are. I get a call on a Tuesday. Big meeting, my brother has 8 weeks, the mother is done...has not complied with their requests, they are ready to file for termination. Things are looking up...right. Well, my brother wants to move in with his parents to raise the baby.....BIG MISTAKE. I'm not happy! Next day, call, we are going to trial. It's the mother's turn to fight. Does she have a leg to stand on? Will my call/visit log make or break this case? Can she be a good mother?

I sit here at work, papers piling up, lesson plans undone, deadlines hanging over my head, all I can think about is running. Running away from the chaos, the work, the questions, the hell of sending a little girl to a place she doesn't belong. Gone from my vocabulary I want the words "jeopardy" "case worker" "DHS" "court" "lawyers" "visitation" "reunification" and "placement" to be replaced with "family" "daughter" "mommies" "love" "life" "happiness" and "adoption".

I'm making myself sick with the what ifs. I know that everything happens for a reason. Lillie was in two placements before coming to live with us...for what reason? Certainly not to get her off to a good start I hope! She was sent to us...for what reason? I want to think positive and believe that a judge is going to rule in what's best for Lillie, and keep her with us. Honestly, I'm scared. I don't think she'll be with us much longer. I don't know if I'll be able to recover from that. I wanted to be a foster parent at one point in my life, now I know I never could be. I don't have the strength to love and let go. I don't have the ability to give a child back when I don't have a good feeling about the situation she is entering.

I have spent 7 months of washing bottles, making formula, filling bottles, feeding, teaching, teething, tylenol, colds, ear infection, stomach flu, babysitter ups and downs, wet diapers, dirty diapers, dirty clothes, clean clothes, picking up toys, rearranging toys, rearranging furniture, Sesame Street, Playhouse Disney, waking up in the night to find a binky 3, 4, 5 times, spit-up, snot, drool, pee, poop, ear wax, eye goop, books, rereading books, keeping a clean house, washing the highchair, washing hands, washing the face, washing the table, washing the floor, don't touch, don't eat, don't bite, don't fall, crawl, sit, stand-up, walk, say "hi", say "bye", wave "hi", wave "bye", kisses, hugs, tears, squeals of joys, shouts of anger, bumps, falls, steps and the next goodbye could be the last.

I'm crumbling from the inside out. I'm trying to keep a tough exterior, but a house that rots from the inside eventually collapses. I'm collapsing! I need an extreme makeover in the form of a petition for terminating the parental rights of two undeserving individuals who only see their daughter as a trophy!

'NUF SAID!!!