If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be where you are today!
You may have given up your life in the town your grew up in, but you are now a successful business woman and that's because you met me, moved up here and started working for Goodwill.
You may have missed out on the opportunity to see your nephews grow but you were part of the most important year of Lillie's life. It taught you not only to love children but to have patience in dealing with them.
You may have given up the nasty habit of smoking and seriously reduced the use of pot, but you developed a love for beer!
A lot happened in nearly 8 years and even though I wish it could be much much more, I will try to remember the great times we had, try to enjoy the friendship we will have and hope that some day you will realize that we are meant to be together.
In the final hours of 2012, I will shed the last tears for you. I need to start to mend this broken heart and make a future for myself. I love you so much and although you may not love me as much as you once did, your life has changed....thanks to me!
Monday, December 31, 2012
My how times change...
It seems weird to be blogging about the end of 2012 when I just read the last post from Feb. 2011. I was so full of life and excitement after having made a phone call to Acadia OB/GYN to begin the baby making process. Wow has life turned around!
It's New Year's Eve 2012...I'm alone, in my pajamas, eyes sore and bloodshot from crying. I lost a lot this year. The Mayans predicted the end of the world and little did I know it would mean the end of mine.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time and figure out just where it all went wrong. I never would've thought that something that was suppose to bring us such joy would cause such heartache and eventually the destruction of what was a truly beautiful relationship. Had our first insemination worked, we'd be celebrating our first full year with our baby girl or boy, planning a first birthday and being the strong family unit we dreamed of.
Now, we are looking at two different roads. Jen is unhappy, has been for a while and has made the decision that she needs to live for herself. One of her biggest obstacles is her job...she doesn't want to be a store manager anymore. We continue to live together but there is no more us. As much as I've cried, yelled, begged and asked for a second chance, she's made up her mind. I'm left with this plate full of anxiousness and heartache. I have no clue what is going to happen to me. I have to start thinking about my financial being and housing. Those are two HUGE things! So much of me wants to hope and believe that Jen will find a new job, be happy and successful and come back to us again. My brain says "move forward without her" and my heart says "you love her so much, just hold on, be brave, she'll come back", my gut says "It's over". Then there is the baby that I still want so much...the donor is still there and the offer still stands. The grown-up in me says to secure housing first and then work on the baby.
I promised myself this will be the last night of tears. I'm going to blog and write down everything and that's it "2012: Hell Year" will be in the books.
It's New Year's Eve 2012...I'm alone, in my pajamas, eyes sore and bloodshot from crying. I lost a lot this year. The Mayans predicted the end of the world and little did I know it would mean the end of mine.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time and figure out just where it all went wrong. I never would've thought that something that was suppose to bring us such joy would cause such heartache and eventually the destruction of what was a truly beautiful relationship. Had our first insemination worked, we'd be celebrating our first full year with our baby girl or boy, planning a first birthday and being the strong family unit we dreamed of.
Now, we are looking at two different roads. Jen is unhappy, has been for a while and has made the decision that she needs to live for herself. One of her biggest obstacles is her job...she doesn't want to be a store manager anymore. We continue to live together but there is no more us. As much as I've cried, yelled, begged and asked for a second chance, she's made up her mind. I'm left with this plate full of anxiousness and heartache. I have no clue what is going to happen to me. I have to start thinking about my financial being and housing. Those are two HUGE things! So much of me wants to hope and believe that Jen will find a new job, be happy and successful and come back to us again. My brain says "move forward without her" and my heart says "you love her so much, just hold on, be brave, she'll come back", my gut says "It's over". Then there is the baby that I still want so much...the donor is still there and the offer still stands. The grown-up in me says to secure housing first and then work on the baby.
I promised myself this will be the last night of tears. I'm going to blog and write down everything and that's it "2012: Hell Year" will be in the books.
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