My hopes for the new year….

2015….

Work off debt

Live a healthy life

Spend quality time with loved ones

Begin the process (again) of having a baby

LET'S DO THIS!!!!

2014 in Review

So, it's my nature to reflect on the year that was, making this a two part blog…

Just before the start of the year, I met Miss. She was a hot mess from a recent break-up and an overdose, but something kept me tied to her. When we finally met, she was a little more bad-ass than I imagined but very passionate. I was scared but willing to try. We spent NYE at her best friend's house, and despite my warning that we may not see a lot of each other because I was busy with my musical and show choir, we only ended up going two weeks. The whole idea of a relationship with her was terrifying. She was negative, diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, she'd recently overdosed just a month after threatening to take her life after her break-up, her ex slapped a Protection From Abuse order on her, and she was unemployed. But, I thought, all that was just temporary….right? Well, things were up and down. We shared dreams of babies and a beach wedding. However, something about her kept this wall up. I thought, maybe this is what it's like to be bi-polar…that's why she's got stars in her eyes one minute and throwing daggers the next. I continued to ride out the storm. I thought things would feel different when I had a place of my own, but she just became a fixture in the apartment. She had these dark times that were hard to swallow. Her energy drained mine. I just kept riding the waves. It wasn't until mid-May when things finally exploded. Jen had reached out to me, that's a story for a later date, but after a few days of being in touch, Miss took it upon herself to reach out to Jen. She thought it was ok to say hi and want to be friendly. This was the part of Miss I didn't get…she'd reached out to Kari and Trish in the same way but this crossed a line. Via text (our most popular way of communicating) we exchanged words, I felt betrayed, she asked if I wanted her to leave…I didn't hesitate with a "yes". The texts, the emails, the voice mails poured in…I was hurt. A month went by before I broke the silence. It was the day of the pride parade in Bangor. There I was with a 10 year old & 7 year old but for some reason I craved the company of my girlfriend. Soon we began to chat again and by the end of July, we were together again. She'd come off a lot of meds, lost 30 lbs, and got a job. Most important, there was a bit of light where darkness once resided. We made love and I cried…I had missed her. August she was asked to travel to St. Louis for work, September took her to Detriot, October to Montana. She loved working and it was good for us to spend time apart. However, our conversations went in all directions from the miscommunication of text vs. speak. She'd all but moved in by mid-October. I attended the first family function at the Ward house….officially met her sister, step-sisters, step-brother and their families. It was a bit overwhelming since I was coming from a board meeting, but I was well received. Her family is very nice. In November, Miss was laid up with wrist surgery. That meant no work but even when she was cleared to do so, there was no work. Thanksgiving came, her sister & I teamed up to cook dinner at her dad's house. It was small but fun. Miss had such joy in her eyes that day. It was nice to see. December was tough since the PFA was to expire, there was still no work for her, and now that she was living here, things were getting expensive. We seemed to argue a lot. I was stressed. It was vicious at times. We finally agreed to treat ourselves and each other better. She would look for other work and I would try not to worry so much about it. We'll see what 2015 brings for us. I keep holding on!

Now back to Jen. I was doing my best to move forward without her and being with Miss helped, although the comparisons were always there. In February, at the DV show choir festival, I thought I was in the clear because Addy's group was scheduled well after ours. I went to talk to my 8th graders, felt a tap on the shoulder and looked up to see Jen. She said "Your kids did a great job!" I said "Thanks" and notice Ann's face buried in her phone. A month later, at States, Addy's group was in a whole other division and they were pretty much cleared out by the time we moved in. I caught the award ceremony enough to see Jen put her arm around Ann. I still felt it was a strange fucking relationship. Out of the blue, in May, Jen messaged me. We became Facebook friends, spent our evenings chatting, and things got deep. She apologized to me. Said she wished things had turned out differently, regrets what she did, was sorry she gave up, etc. Then she said she was struggling being in love with two different people for different reasons at the same time. That threw me. We continued to talk, she told me I could do better than Miss but I felt she could do better than Ann so whatever. After the fallout with Miss, we threw around the idea of getting together but she was sneaking around behind Ann's back as it was. There were many times I'd say something and she'd reply with "sigh". That's how I knew she really did miss me. She said she and Ann never did things together, Ann didn't like to be outside, she sat alone on the deck a lot, there were a lot of things she missed but she didn't want to give up on another relationship. One Saturday, we got deep, it hurt, I spent the whole day in bed, crying, at one point, Jen was beside herself because she wanted to make sure I was ok. When it came right down to it, no matter what, our views were still different on one thing….having a baby. So, the tone of the conversations shifted to what we could talk about. We still chatted every day, did some reminiscing, but things were definitely over. After Hunter & Lillie spent some time here, they were getting into chatting with Jen too. It was Saturday, July 5th…suddenly I noticed Jen was no longer on chat. Her Facebook page was gone too. What the hell was going on? I text and emailed but didn't get a response until two days later. Ann was going through Addy's Facebook page, saw Jen was commenting on my stuff and was pissed! Since then, we haven't talked. 

Among other changes in my world, I got my own place in March. I thought it would make such a difference in my happiness but I was/am miserable living here. It's so small that I bump into everything. The animals don't seem happy. It's certainly not big enough for two people but I've managed to move Melissa in. Then there is lack of heat, smell of pot, bitchy neighbor, dumping ground out back, and the landlord. Melissa & I are itching to find something different.

My two best buds from 2K13, have each taken on a different role in my world. Kari has become the sister I never had in which to create moments that'll make you pee your pants. We talk almost daily and she really is the best friend I've ever had. Trish continues to be a hot mess but God I love that woman. I just wish she could get out of her own way and see the beauty that she possesses. 

In addition to a new apartment, I got a new classroom. It's the one I've eye-balled for so long and now it's mine. It was such a positive start to the new year. I'm still playing with the set-up but it's such a blessing to have the space I deserve. Trish played a huge part in getting me that room.

My school year was a stressful one with two schools, 16 and 26 miles away….which meant commuting for the first time. I don't think I've ever been so tired in all my life. My Disney Show Choir performed below average compared to the Wicked group. It was somewhat disappointing but it's hard to recreate something so amazing. Now to focus on the Frozen crew…it's already been an interesting ride! My musical, The Little Mermaid, was visually stunning, I had an amazing crew of talent, but sadly, on the weekend of the performance, my Ariel lost her voice for real. At the end of it all, I lost 5 cast members to the flu. However, the most touching moment was the presentation of a ceiling tile dedicated to me. Larry hung it right above the stage for all to see. However, days later, someone complained, Larry was read the riot act, and it was removed. It now resides above my new office door.

So many changes in 2014, I'm looking forward to moving on to the next phase of life. I have hopes and dreams for the year…time to work each day on making them happen.