Two steps forward, ten steps back

So, here I am, moving forward...my jobs are keeping me very busy but I'm keeping organized and things are going well. The Beech Hill School has welcomed me with open arms and I'm making connections. I still wish I had a classroom, but it's a good fit. Milford is like home and always will be. I wish things were better at the administrative level, but we never have good luck in that department!

But work is all I have!

A few weeks ago, Jen and I had a 4 hour text conversation where she admitted that she'd wished she'd done things differently but wished I had to, but she's happy now. I don't understand how!?! I never will. Meanwhile, I'm left with bittersweet memories and haunting dreams. It's about every other night that I'll have a dream about Jen that starts off so wonderful and things will be as they were or we are reconnecting and suddenly the dream takes a sharp turn and everything goes horribly wrong and I wake up feeling beaten up all over again.

So many stupid little things remind me of what we I had. Our first time we met, Jen had a cold and she had a package of Halls and we joked there were 9 in the package...why 9? Well, I had a dry cough and pulled out my bag of Halls and I smiled for a moment when I noticed the package count was 30. Then I was sad...that part of my life has come to an end.

I'm doing so many things alone and I'm not enjoying it. Memories hurt, crying helps, but I'm also very lonely. I crave to be held and hugged and loved and being the most important person in someone's life. I want to feel that love and not take it for granted. Then I see a mom and baby and think "No, that's what I want!" I'm starting think I can have one or the other but I can't have both.

So, I'm throwing this out to the universe and whatever higher power is out there....I will do my best to treat myself better. Physically I am going to get back on track with WW and PF and stop drinking every night of the week. Emotionally, I'm going to cry it out and try like hell not to think about what might've been but I'm not making any promises. In turn, please subconscious, stop making me dream about what it!!! I need help determining which will be the better path for me...do I try to move in the direction of having a baby or do I try to find that special someone who is going to love me forever. A baby is going to love me forever and unconditionally (if I parent the way I think I'm capable of parenting). What do I do about the physical needs without being a stinky whore?

Universe, the power is in your hands!