Everybody wants me….

So, Jen and I have talked in length twice now in the past year. Back in May when she was basically kicking her ass for the way she treated me and again when Bruschi died because she again fucked up by not coming up to say her goodbyes. Yep….she's an idiot! On more than one occasion she's talked about "if" she could go back, things would change, etc. She justifies it with how she really is happy where she's at and does love Ann. And I filled in the blank with a reference to FRIENDS….I said, but it's like when Ross made the list about Rachel and Julie and went to do Julie's list and said "she's not Rachel". Jen's replay was "exactly".

Melissa, such a kind soul but sometimes things don't sink in or it takes her a few times to understand where I'm coming from. She loves me like no one has ever loved me before. Her ups are up and her downs are down and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. She challenges me in every way possible but she also lets me be me. She lets me completely fall apart, come unglued, lose my shit, talk until I'm blue in the face…she doesn't always listen but she lets me talk. I just wish I could get more out of her financially. I want help with mutual bills and I want a bigger place to live and I want to feel secure. I don't feel secure. That's hard! However, I adore her family…they are wonderful…I'm going to make this work.

Then there's Trish. Something from day one of her presence in our school has drawn me to her. I pushed through this girl crush for 2/3 of that school year. She and I made plans to see Rock of Ages and started texting and chatting regularly. I confided in Jean that I had this crush. She said to be careful.  We went to the musical, had many drunk nights, one night she called at 11pm saying she was sad and couldn't sleep and please come over. We cuddled in bed, talked about moving me in…it was a sleepless night for the most part but one I'll never forget. We did end up being roomies for 8 months. It was not all bad…we had great morning chats while I sipped coffee and she slapped on war paint. When I moved we drifted apart a bit. We had a few gatherings at Kari's until they had a falling out. At Christmas we had a precious moment; she gave me a lovely card. The Trish I remember so well was still there. Now, in the past we've had a few drunk moments where we joked about sucking face or touching one off but nothing ever happened. Today, she opened up and basically said that if I were a man I'd be the one for her. She said that I am the purest soul, I have the biggest heart, her heart goes boom when she thinks of me, she loves me and would go to the ends of the earth to see me happy and be sure I'm taken care of, we are soul mates and when I said many people in our lives fulfill what love is, that's so true for us. I let her go on and on. We cried. I said "ditto" and that maybe we weren't meant to be together in that capacity but we will always have each other. We hugged and cried and it was such an amazing feeling to hear her say what I've always felt but also to have healed enough to accept that we aren't meant to be a couple in the coupling way.

So perhaps, all the woe is me moments I've had, are a moot point. I've got three completely different women who want me…..my ex-wife, my current girlfriend and my best friend. Three different personalities all attracted to whatever they see in me. Am I really that fabulous? Will this give me the push I need to get out of my own way and be all that I am capable of? Is this my reason to live again?

WOW!

2015….we're not off to a good start!

So, I had all these hopes for the new year and despite my best efforts to "do this", life has slapped me down once again.

I'd sensed the animals weren't happy here and about mid January, Bruschi started acting funny. She had a moment just before Christmas too….lethargic, drinking a lot but not eating, leaking urine…..it was very strange. I bought new food and things seemed to be better. When she had a repeat performance one Sunday and again on a Thursday, I knew something was going on. 2 hours and $390 dollars later, she was diagnosed with a splenetic hemorrhaging tumor….she was bleeding internally. Surgery would buy her 6 months to 2 years. The vet actually said "euthanasia" and I was devastated. After another $300 dollars dropped on an ultrasound to confirm was the dr. already knew, it was time to make a choice. As much I as didn't want to let go, I decided I had to. I couldn't afford surgery and chemo and I certainly couldn't risk her bleeding to death. I reached out to Jen and she offered to send money but just couldn't come up and say goodbye. Coward! We had one amazing night together. I fed her treats to her hearts content. Miss took her to Five Guys and she had a burger, fries, etc. Trish brought the kids over…that was tough. Jen brought her kids over…poor Tessa. That night, Miss slept on the couch so Bruschi could sleep on the bed with me. I was awake early the next morning, laid on the floor next to her and the cats. It was so hard knowing this was it. Noon arrived before I knew it. We were "greeted" at the door and brought to the room. I read the "comforting" poems on the wall and talked with a very upset dog. She wanted out, like she could smell death in the room or something. The vet came in to go over options. I went with the sedation first then the sleep. It was another few minutes, the tech came in too. She hugged Bruschi tight while the doctor gave her the shot. That upset Bruschi and it was hard to see. Almost instantly she got very tipsy and collapsed in my arms. I slid her down to the floor and just talked to her and rubbed her head. I text Miss to get to the room….I couldn't do this alone. Bruschi's tongue would go in and out slowly. She was breathing but not mobile. It was the worst part of the whole ordeal. The vet came back in. She administered the shot that would shut down her heart. I played with those velvety ears as the vet listened to her chest. There were no more breaths and eventually she said "she's gone". 1/24/15, 12:20pm my precious, sometimes stupid dog slipped away. A life cut short and once again my heartbroken by cancer. 2 weeks later I was able to pick up her ashes and paw print. She came in a box with a velvet sack (and a ziploc bag). I had to open and see the ashes…it was more difficult than I thought…bone fragments. Since that day, life has not been the same. I keep expecting that movement on the bed, that sigh in the middle of the night, that greeting at the door. I do a double take in the pet isle and remember I don't have a dog to buy for anymore. On the same hand, I don't want a dog any time soon. She was special….irreplaceable.

My hopes for the new year….

2015….

Work off debt

Live a healthy life

Spend quality time with loved ones

Begin the process (again) of having a baby

LET'S DO THIS!!!!

2014 in Review

So, it's my nature to reflect on the year that was, making this a two part blog…

Just before the start of the year, I met Miss. She was a hot mess from a recent break-up and an overdose, but something kept me tied to her. When we finally met, she was a little more bad-ass than I imagined but very passionate. I was scared but willing to try. We spent NYE at her best friend's house, and despite my warning that we may not see a lot of each other because I was busy with my musical and show choir, we only ended up going two weeks. The whole idea of a relationship with her was terrifying. She was negative, diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, she'd recently overdosed just a month after threatening to take her life after her break-up, her ex slapped a Protection From Abuse order on her, and she was unemployed. But, I thought, all that was just temporary….right? Well, things were up and down. We shared dreams of babies and a beach wedding. However, something about her kept this wall up. I thought, maybe this is what it's like to be bi-polar…that's why she's got stars in her eyes one minute and throwing daggers the next. I continued to ride out the storm. I thought things would feel different when I had a place of my own, but she just became a fixture in the apartment. She had these dark times that were hard to swallow. Her energy drained mine. I just kept riding the waves. It wasn't until mid-May when things finally exploded. Jen had reached out to me, that's a story for a later date, but after a few days of being in touch, Miss took it upon herself to reach out to Jen. She thought it was ok to say hi and want to be friendly. This was the part of Miss I didn't get…she'd reached out to Kari and Trish in the same way but this crossed a line. Via text (our most popular way of communicating) we exchanged words, I felt betrayed, she asked if I wanted her to leave…I didn't hesitate with a "yes". The texts, the emails, the voice mails poured in…I was hurt. A month went by before I broke the silence. It was the day of the pride parade in Bangor. There I was with a 10 year old & 7 year old but for some reason I craved the company of my girlfriend. Soon we began to chat again and by the end of July, we were together again. She'd come off a lot of meds, lost 30 lbs, and got a job. Most important, there was a bit of light where darkness once resided. We made love and I cried…I had missed her. August she was asked to travel to St. Louis for work, September took her to Detriot, October to Montana. She loved working and it was good for us to spend time apart. However, our conversations went in all directions from the miscommunication of text vs. speak. She'd all but moved in by mid-October. I attended the first family function at the Ward house….officially met her sister, step-sisters, step-brother and their families. It was a bit overwhelming since I was coming from a board meeting, but I was well received. Her family is very nice. In November, Miss was laid up with wrist surgery. That meant no work but even when she was cleared to do so, there was no work. Thanksgiving came, her sister & I teamed up to cook dinner at her dad's house. It was small but fun. Miss had such joy in her eyes that day. It was nice to see. December was tough since the PFA was to expire, there was still no work for her, and now that she was living here, things were getting expensive. We seemed to argue a lot. I was stressed. It was vicious at times. We finally agreed to treat ourselves and each other better. She would look for other work and I would try not to worry so much about it. We'll see what 2015 brings for us. I keep holding on!

Now back to Jen. I was doing my best to move forward without her and being with Miss helped, although the comparisons were always there. In February, at the DV show choir festival, I thought I was in the clear because Addy's group was scheduled well after ours. I went to talk to my 8th graders, felt a tap on the shoulder and looked up to see Jen. She said "Your kids did a great job!" I said "Thanks" and notice Ann's face buried in her phone. A month later, at States, Addy's group was in a whole other division and they were pretty much cleared out by the time we moved in. I caught the award ceremony enough to see Jen put her arm around Ann. I still felt it was a strange fucking relationship. Out of the blue, in May, Jen messaged me. We became Facebook friends, spent our evenings chatting, and things got deep. She apologized to me. Said she wished things had turned out differently, regrets what she did, was sorry she gave up, etc. Then she said she was struggling being in love with two different people for different reasons at the same time. That threw me. We continued to talk, she told me I could do better than Miss but I felt she could do better than Ann so whatever. After the fallout with Miss, we threw around the idea of getting together but she was sneaking around behind Ann's back as it was. There were many times I'd say something and she'd reply with "sigh". That's how I knew she really did miss me. She said she and Ann never did things together, Ann didn't like to be outside, she sat alone on the deck a lot, there were a lot of things she missed but she didn't want to give up on another relationship. One Saturday, we got deep, it hurt, I spent the whole day in bed, crying, at one point, Jen was beside herself because she wanted to make sure I was ok. When it came right down to it, no matter what, our views were still different on one thing….having a baby. So, the tone of the conversations shifted to what we could talk about. We still chatted every day, did some reminiscing, but things were definitely over. After Hunter & Lillie spent some time here, they were getting into chatting with Jen too. It was Saturday, July 5th…suddenly I noticed Jen was no longer on chat. Her Facebook page was gone too. What the hell was going on? I text and emailed but didn't get a response until two days later. Ann was going through Addy's Facebook page, saw Jen was commenting on my stuff and was pissed! Since then, we haven't talked. 

Among other changes in my world, I got my own place in March. I thought it would make such a difference in my happiness but I was/am miserable living here. It's so small that I bump into everything. The animals don't seem happy. It's certainly not big enough for two people but I've managed to move Melissa in. Then there is lack of heat, smell of pot, bitchy neighbor, dumping ground out back, and the landlord. Melissa & I are itching to find something different.

My two best buds from 2K13, have each taken on a different role in my world. Kari has become the sister I never had in which to create moments that'll make you pee your pants. We talk almost daily and she really is the best friend I've ever had. Trish continues to be a hot mess but God I love that woman. I just wish she could get out of her own way and see the beauty that she possesses. 

In addition to a new apartment, I got a new classroom. It's the one I've eye-balled for so long and now it's mine. It was such a positive start to the new year. I'm still playing with the set-up but it's such a blessing to have the space I deserve. Trish played a huge part in getting me that room.

My school year was a stressful one with two schools, 16 and 26 miles away….which meant commuting for the first time. I don't think I've ever been so tired in all my life. My Disney Show Choir performed below average compared to the Wicked group. It was somewhat disappointing but it's hard to recreate something so amazing. Now to focus on the Frozen crew…it's already been an interesting ride! My musical, The Little Mermaid, was visually stunning, I had an amazing crew of talent, but sadly, on the weekend of the performance, my Ariel lost her voice for real. At the end of it all, I lost 5 cast members to the flu. However, the most touching moment was the presentation of a ceiling tile dedicated to me. Larry hung it right above the stage for all to see. However, days later, someone complained, Larry was read the riot act, and it was removed. It now resides above my new office door.

So many changes in 2014, I'm looking forward to moving on to the next phase of life. I have hopes and dreams for the year…time to work each day on making them happen.