Everybody wants me….

So, Jen and I have talked in length twice now in the past year. Back in May when she was basically kicking her ass for the way she treated me and again when Bruschi died because she again fucked up by not coming up to say her goodbyes. Yep….she's an idiot! On more than one occasion she's talked about "if" she could go back, things would change, etc. She justifies it with how she really is happy where she's at and does love Ann. And I filled in the blank with a reference to FRIENDS….I said, but it's like when Ross made the list about Rachel and Julie and went to do Julie's list and said "she's not Rachel". Jen's replay was "exactly".

Melissa, such a kind soul but sometimes things don't sink in or it takes her a few times to understand where I'm coming from. She loves me like no one has ever loved me before. Her ups are up and her downs are down and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. She challenges me in every way possible but she also lets me be me. She lets me completely fall apart, come unglued, lose my shit, talk until I'm blue in the face…she doesn't always listen but she lets me talk. I just wish I could get more out of her financially. I want help with mutual bills and I want a bigger place to live and I want to feel secure. I don't feel secure. That's hard! However, I adore her family…they are wonderful…I'm going to make this work.

Then there's Trish. Something from day one of her presence in our school has drawn me to her. I pushed through this girl crush for 2/3 of that school year. She and I made plans to see Rock of Ages and started texting and chatting regularly. I confided in Jean that I had this crush. She said to be careful.  We went to the musical, had many drunk nights, one night she called at 11pm saying she was sad and couldn't sleep and please come over. We cuddled in bed, talked about moving me in…it was a sleepless night for the most part but one I'll never forget. We did end up being roomies for 8 months. It was not all bad…we had great morning chats while I sipped coffee and she slapped on war paint. When I moved we drifted apart a bit. We had a few gatherings at Kari's until they had a falling out. At Christmas we had a precious moment; she gave me a lovely card. The Trish I remember so well was still there. Now, in the past we've had a few drunk moments where we joked about sucking face or touching one off but nothing ever happened. Today, she opened up and basically said that if I were a man I'd be the one for her. She said that I am the purest soul, I have the biggest heart, her heart goes boom when she thinks of me, she loves me and would go to the ends of the earth to see me happy and be sure I'm taken care of, we are soul mates and when I said many people in our lives fulfill what love is, that's so true for us. I let her go on and on. We cried. I said "ditto" and that maybe we weren't meant to be together in that capacity but we will always have each other. We hugged and cried and it was such an amazing feeling to hear her say what I've always felt but also to have healed enough to accept that we aren't meant to be a couple in the coupling way.

So perhaps, all the woe is me moments I've had, are a moot point. I've got three completely different women who want me…..my ex-wife, my current girlfriend and my best friend. Three different personalities all attracted to whatever they see in me. Am I really that fabulous? Will this give me the push I need to get out of my own way and be all that I am capable of? Is this my reason to live again?

WOW!