2015….we're not off to a good start!

So, I had all these hopes for the new year and despite my best efforts to "do this", life has slapped me down once again.

I'd sensed the animals weren't happy here and about mid January, Bruschi started acting funny. She had a moment just before Christmas too….lethargic, drinking a lot but not eating, leaking urine…..it was very strange. I bought new food and things seemed to be better. When she had a repeat performance one Sunday and again on a Thursday, I knew something was going on. 2 hours and $390 dollars later, she was diagnosed with a splenetic hemorrhaging tumor….she was bleeding internally. Surgery would buy her 6 months to 2 years. The vet actually said "euthanasia" and I was devastated. After another $300 dollars dropped on an ultrasound to confirm was the dr. already knew, it was time to make a choice. As much I as didn't want to let go, I decided I had to. I couldn't afford surgery and chemo and I certainly couldn't risk her bleeding to death. I reached out to Jen and she offered to send money but just couldn't come up and say goodbye. Coward! We had one amazing night together. I fed her treats to her hearts content. Miss took her to Five Guys and she had a burger, fries, etc. Trish brought the kids over…that was tough. Jen brought her kids over…poor Tessa. That night, Miss slept on the couch so Bruschi could sleep on the bed with me. I was awake early the next morning, laid on the floor next to her and the cats. It was so hard knowing this was it. Noon arrived before I knew it. We were "greeted" at the door and brought to the room. I read the "comforting" poems on the wall and talked with a very upset dog. She wanted out, like she could smell death in the room or something. The vet came in to go over options. I went with the sedation first then the sleep. It was another few minutes, the tech came in too. She hugged Bruschi tight while the doctor gave her the shot. That upset Bruschi and it was hard to see. Almost instantly she got very tipsy and collapsed in my arms. I slid her down to the floor and just talked to her and rubbed her head. I text Miss to get to the room….I couldn't do this alone. Bruschi's tongue would go in and out slowly. She was breathing but not mobile. It was the worst part of the whole ordeal. The vet came back in. She administered the shot that would shut down her heart. I played with those velvety ears as the vet listened to her chest. There were no more breaths and eventually she said "she's gone". 1/24/15, 12:20pm my precious, sometimes stupid dog slipped away. A life cut short and once again my heartbroken by cancer. 2 weeks later I was able to pick up her ashes and paw print. She came in a box with a velvet sack (and a ziploc bag). I had to open and see the ashes…it was more difficult than I thought…bone fragments. Since that day, life has not been the same. I keep expecting that movement on the bed, that sigh in the middle of the night, that greeting at the door. I do a double take in the pet isle and remember I don't have a dog to buy for anymore. On the same hand, I don't want a dog any time soon. She was special….irreplaceable.