So, Jen and I have talked in length twice now in the past year. Back in May when she was basically kicking her ass for the way she treated me and again when Bruschi died because she again fucked up by not coming up to say her goodbyes. Yep….she's an idiot! On more than one occasion she's talked about "if" she could go back, things would change, etc. She justifies it with how she really is happy where she's at and does love Ann. And I filled in the blank with a reference to FRIENDS….I said, but it's like when Ross made the list about Rachel and Julie and went to do Julie's list and said "she's not Rachel". Jen's replay was "exactly".
Melissa, such a kind soul but sometimes things don't sink in or it takes her a few times to understand where I'm coming from. She loves me like no one has ever loved me before. Her ups are up and her downs are down and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. She challenges me in every way possible but she also lets me be me. She lets me completely fall apart, come unglued, lose my shit, talk until I'm blue in the face…she doesn't always listen but she lets me talk. I just wish I could get more out of her financially. I want help with mutual bills and I want a bigger place to live and I want to feel secure. I don't feel secure. That's hard! However, I adore her family…they are wonderful…I'm going to make this work.
Then there's Trish. Something from day one of her presence in our school has drawn me to her. I pushed through this girl crush for 2/3 of that school year. She and I made plans to see Rock of Ages and started texting and chatting regularly. I confided in Jean that I had this crush. She said to be careful. We went to the musical, had many drunk nights, one night she called at 11pm saying she was sad and couldn't sleep and please come over. We cuddled in bed, talked about moving me in…it was a sleepless night for the most part but one I'll never forget. We did end up being roomies for 8 months. It was not all bad…we had great morning chats while I sipped coffee and she slapped on war paint. When I moved we drifted apart a bit. We had a few gatherings at Kari's until they had a falling out. At Christmas we had a precious moment; she gave me a lovely card. The Trish I remember so well was still there. Now, in the past we've had a few drunk moments where we joked about sucking face or touching one off but nothing ever happened. Today, she opened up and basically said that if I were a man I'd be the one for her. She said that I am the purest soul, I have the biggest heart, her heart goes boom when she thinks of me, she loves me and would go to the ends of the earth to see me happy and be sure I'm taken care of, we are soul mates and when I said many people in our lives fulfill what love is, that's so true for us. I let her go on and on. We cried. I said "ditto" and that maybe we weren't meant to be together in that capacity but we will always have each other. We hugged and cried and it was such an amazing feeling to hear her say what I've always felt but also to have healed enough to accept that we aren't meant to be a couple in the coupling way.
So perhaps, all the woe is me moments I've had, are a moot point. I've got three completely different women who want me…..my ex-wife, my current girlfriend and my best friend. Three different personalities all attracted to whatever they see in me. Am I really that fabulous? Will this give me the push I need to get out of my own way and be all that I am capable of? Is this my reason to live again?
WOW!
Saturday, March 7, 2015
2015….we're not off to a good start!
So, I had all these hopes for the new year and despite my best efforts to "do this", life has slapped me down once again.
I'd sensed the animals weren't happy here and about mid January, Bruschi started acting funny. She had a moment just before Christmas too….lethargic, drinking a lot but not eating, leaking urine…..it was very strange. I bought new food and things seemed to be better. When she had a repeat performance one Sunday and again on a Thursday, I knew something was going on. 2 hours and $390 dollars later, she was diagnosed with a splenetic hemorrhaging tumor….she was bleeding internally. Surgery would buy her 6 months to 2 years. The vet actually said "euthanasia" and I was devastated. After another $300 dollars dropped on an ultrasound to confirm was the dr. already knew, it was time to make a choice. As much I as didn't want to let go, I decided I had to. I couldn't afford surgery and chemo and I certainly couldn't risk her bleeding to death. I reached out to Jen and she offered to send money but just couldn't come up and say goodbye. Coward! We had one amazing night together. I fed her treats to her hearts content. Miss took her to Five Guys and she had a burger, fries, etc. Trish brought the kids over…that was tough. Jen brought her kids over…poor Tessa. That night, Miss slept on the couch so Bruschi could sleep on the bed with me. I was awake early the next morning, laid on the floor next to her and the cats. It was so hard knowing this was it. Noon arrived before I knew it. We were "greeted" at the door and brought to the room. I read the "comforting" poems on the wall and talked with a very upset dog. She wanted out, like she could smell death in the room or something. The vet came in to go over options. I went with the sedation first then the sleep. It was another few minutes, the tech came in too. She hugged Bruschi tight while the doctor gave her the shot. That upset Bruschi and it was hard to see. Almost instantly she got very tipsy and collapsed in my arms. I slid her down to the floor and just talked to her and rubbed her head. I text Miss to get to the room….I couldn't do this alone. Bruschi's tongue would go in and out slowly. She was breathing but not mobile. It was the worst part of the whole ordeal. The vet came back in. She administered the shot that would shut down her heart. I played with those velvety ears as the vet listened to her chest. There were no more breaths and eventually she said "she's gone". 1/24/15, 12:20pm my precious, sometimes stupid dog slipped away. A life cut short and once again my heartbroken by cancer. 2 weeks later I was able to pick up her ashes and paw print. She came in a box with a velvet sack (and a ziploc bag). I had to open and see the ashes…it was more difficult than I thought…bone fragments. Since that day, life has not been the same. I keep expecting that movement on the bed, that sigh in the middle of the night, that greeting at the door. I do a double take in the pet isle and remember I don't have a dog to buy for anymore. On the same hand, I don't want a dog any time soon. She was special….irreplaceable.
I'd sensed the animals weren't happy here and about mid January, Bruschi started acting funny. She had a moment just before Christmas too….lethargic, drinking a lot but not eating, leaking urine…..it was very strange. I bought new food and things seemed to be better. When she had a repeat performance one Sunday and again on a Thursday, I knew something was going on. 2 hours and $390 dollars later, she was diagnosed with a splenetic hemorrhaging tumor….she was bleeding internally. Surgery would buy her 6 months to 2 years. The vet actually said "euthanasia" and I was devastated. After another $300 dollars dropped on an ultrasound to confirm was the dr. already knew, it was time to make a choice. As much I as didn't want to let go, I decided I had to. I couldn't afford surgery and chemo and I certainly couldn't risk her bleeding to death. I reached out to Jen and she offered to send money but just couldn't come up and say goodbye. Coward! We had one amazing night together. I fed her treats to her hearts content. Miss took her to Five Guys and she had a burger, fries, etc. Trish brought the kids over…that was tough. Jen brought her kids over…poor Tessa. That night, Miss slept on the couch so Bruschi could sleep on the bed with me. I was awake early the next morning, laid on the floor next to her and the cats. It was so hard knowing this was it. Noon arrived before I knew it. We were "greeted" at the door and brought to the room. I read the "comforting" poems on the wall and talked with a very upset dog. She wanted out, like she could smell death in the room or something. The vet came in to go over options. I went with the sedation first then the sleep. It was another few minutes, the tech came in too. She hugged Bruschi tight while the doctor gave her the shot. That upset Bruschi and it was hard to see. Almost instantly she got very tipsy and collapsed in my arms. I slid her down to the floor and just talked to her and rubbed her head. I text Miss to get to the room….I couldn't do this alone. Bruschi's tongue would go in and out slowly. She was breathing but not mobile. It was the worst part of the whole ordeal. The vet came back in. She administered the shot that would shut down her heart. I played with those velvety ears as the vet listened to her chest. There were no more breaths and eventually she said "she's gone". 1/24/15, 12:20pm my precious, sometimes stupid dog slipped away. A life cut short and once again my heartbroken by cancer. 2 weeks later I was able to pick up her ashes and paw print. She came in a box with a velvet sack (and a ziploc bag). I had to open and see the ashes…it was more difficult than I thought…bone fragments. Since that day, life has not been the same. I keep expecting that movement on the bed, that sigh in the middle of the night, that greeting at the door. I do a double take in the pet isle and remember I don't have a dog to buy for anymore. On the same hand, I don't want a dog any time soon. She was special….irreplaceable.
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