2014 in Review

So, it's my nature to reflect on the year that was, making this a two part blog…

Just before the start of the year, I met Miss. She was a hot mess from a recent break-up and an overdose, but something kept me tied to her. When we finally met, she was a little more bad-ass than I imagined but very passionate. I was scared but willing to try. We spent NYE at her best friend's house, and despite my warning that we may not see a lot of each other because I was busy with my musical and show choir, we only ended up going two weeks. The whole idea of a relationship with her was terrifying. She was negative, diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, she'd recently overdosed just a month after threatening to take her life after her break-up, her ex slapped a Protection From Abuse order on her, and she was unemployed. But, I thought, all that was just temporary….right? Well, things were up and down. We shared dreams of babies and a beach wedding. However, something about her kept this wall up. I thought, maybe this is what it's like to be bi-polar…that's why she's got stars in her eyes one minute and throwing daggers the next. I continued to ride out the storm. I thought things would feel different when I had a place of my own, but she just became a fixture in the apartment. She had these dark times that were hard to swallow. Her energy drained mine. I just kept riding the waves. It wasn't until mid-May when things finally exploded. Jen had reached out to me, that's a story for a later date, but after a few days of being in touch, Miss took it upon herself to reach out to Jen. She thought it was ok to say hi and want to be friendly. This was the part of Miss I didn't get…she'd reached out to Kari and Trish in the same way but this crossed a line. Via text (our most popular way of communicating) we exchanged words, I felt betrayed, she asked if I wanted her to leave…I didn't hesitate with a "yes". The texts, the emails, the voice mails poured in…I was hurt. A month went by before I broke the silence. It was the day of the pride parade in Bangor. There I was with a 10 year old & 7 year old but for some reason I craved the company of my girlfriend. Soon we began to chat again and by the end of July, we were together again. She'd come off a lot of meds, lost 30 lbs, and got a job. Most important, there was a bit of light where darkness once resided. We made love and I cried…I had missed her. August she was asked to travel to St. Louis for work, September took her to Detriot, October to Montana. She loved working and it was good for us to spend time apart. However, our conversations went in all directions from the miscommunication of text vs. speak. She'd all but moved in by mid-October. I attended the first family function at the Ward house….officially met her sister, step-sisters, step-brother and their families. It was a bit overwhelming since I was coming from a board meeting, but I was well received. Her family is very nice. In November, Miss was laid up with wrist surgery. That meant no work but even when she was cleared to do so, there was no work. Thanksgiving came, her sister & I teamed up to cook dinner at her dad's house. It was small but fun. Miss had such joy in her eyes that day. It was nice to see. December was tough since the PFA was to expire, there was still no work for her, and now that she was living here, things were getting expensive. We seemed to argue a lot. I was stressed. It was vicious at times. We finally agreed to treat ourselves and each other better. She would look for other work and I would try not to worry so much about it. We'll see what 2015 brings for us. I keep holding on!

Now back to Jen. I was doing my best to move forward without her and being with Miss helped, although the comparisons were always there. In February, at the DV show choir festival, I thought I was in the clear because Addy's group was scheduled well after ours. I went to talk to my 8th graders, felt a tap on the shoulder and looked up to see Jen. She said "Your kids did a great job!" I said "Thanks" and notice Ann's face buried in her phone. A month later, at States, Addy's group was in a whole other division and they were pretty much cleared out by the time we moved in. I caught the award ceremony enough to see Jen put her arm around Ann. I still felt it was a strange fucking relationship. Out of the blue, in May, Jen messaged me. We became Facebook friends, spent our evenings chatting, and things got deep. She apologized to me. Said she wished things had turned out differently, regrets what she did, was sorry she gave up, etc. Then she said she was struggling being in love with two different people for different reasons at the same time. That threw me. We continued to talk, she told me I could do better than Miss but I felt she could do better than Ann so whatever. After the fallout with Miss, we threw around the idea of getting together but she was sneaking around behind Ann's back as it was. There were many times I'd say something and she'd reply with "sigh". That's how I knew she really did miss me. She said she and Ann never did things together, Ann didn't like to be outside, she sat alone on the deck a lot, there were a lot of things she missed but she didn't want to give up on another relationship. One Saturday, we got deep, it hurt, I spent the whole day in bed, crying, at one point, Jen was beside herself because she wanted to make sure I was ok. When it came right down to it, no matter what, our views were still different on one thing….having a baby. So, the tone of the conversations shifted to what we could talk about. We still chatted every day, did some reminiscing, but things were definitely over. After Hunter & Lillie spent some time here, they were getting into chatting with Jen too. It was Saturday, July 5th…suddenly I noticed Jen was no longer on chat. Her Facebook page was gone too. What the hell was going on? I text and emailed but didn't get a response until two days later. Ann was going through Addy's Facebook page, saw Jen was commenting on my stuff and was pissed! Since then, we haven't talked. 

Among other changes in my world, I got my own place in March. I thought it would make such a difference in my happiness but I was/am miserable living here. It's so small that I bump into everything. The animals don't seem happy. It's certainly not big enough for two people but I've managed to move Melissa in. Then there is lack of heat, smell of pot, bitchy neighbor, dumping ground out back, and the landlord. Melissa & I are itching to find something different.

My two best buds from 2K13, have each taken on a different role in my world. Kari has become the sister I never had in which to create moments that'll make you pee your pants. We talk almost daily and she really is the best friend I've ever had. Trish continues to be a hot mess but God I love that woman. I just wish she could get out of her own way and see the beauty that she possesses. 

In addition to a new apartment, I got a new classroom. It's the one I've eye-balled for so long and now it's mine. It was such a positive start to the new year. I'm still playing with the set-up but it's such a blessing to have the space I deserve. Trish played a huge part in getting me that room.

My school year was a stressful one with two schools, 16 and 26 miles away….which meant commuting for the first time. I don't think I've ever been so tired in all my life. My Disney Show Choir performed below average compared to the Wicked group. It was somewhat disappointing but it's hard to recreate something so amazing. Now to focus on the Frozen crew…it's already been an interesting ride! My musical, The Little Mermaid, was visually stunning, I had an amazing crew of talent, but sadly, on the weekend of the performance, my Ariel lost her voice for real. At the end of it all, I lost 5 cast members to the flu. However, the most touching moment was the presentation of a ceiling tile dedicated to me. Larry hung it right above the stage for all to see. However, days later, someone complained, Larry was read the riot act, and it was removed. It now resides above my new office door.

So many changes in 2014, I'm looking forward to moving on to the next phase of life. I have hopes and dreams for the year…time to work each day on making them happen.

Two steps forward, ten steps back

So, here I am, moving forward...my jobs are keeping me very busy but I'm keeping organized and things are going well. The Beech Hill School has welcomed me with open arms and I'm making connections. I still wish I had a classroom, but it's a good fit. Milford is like home and always will be. I wish things were better at the administrative level, but we never have good luck in that department!

But work is all I have!

A few weeks ago, Jen and I had a 4 hour text conversation where she admitted that she'd wished she'd done things differently but wished I had to, but she's happy now. I don't understand how!?! I never will. Meanwhile, I'm left with bittersweet memories and haunting dreams. It's about every other night that I'll have a dream about Jen that starts off so wonderful and things will be as they were or we are reconnecting and suddenly the dream takes a sharp turn and everything goes horribly wrong and I wake up feeling beaten up all over again.

So many stupid little things remind me of what we I had. Our first time we met, Jen had a cold and she had a package of Halls and we joked there were 9 in the package...why 9? Well, I had a dry cough and pulled out my bag of Halls and I smiled for a moment when I noticed the package count was 30. Then I was sad...that part of my life has come to an end.

I'm doing so many things alone and I'm not enjoying it. Memories hurt, crying helps, but I'm also very lonely. I crave to be held and hugged and loved and being the most important person in someone's life. I want to feel that love and not take it for granted. Then I see a mom and baby and think "No, that's what I want!" I'm starting think I can have one or the other but I can't have both.

So, I'm throwing this out to the universe and whatever higher power is out there....I will do my best to treat myself better. Physically I am going to get back on track with WW and PF and stop drinking every night of the week. Emotionally, I'm going to cry it out and try like hell not to think about what might've been but I'm not making any promises. In turn, please subconscious, stop making me dream about what it!!! I need help determining which will be the better path for me...do I try to move in the direction of having a baby or do I try to find that special someone who is going to love me forever. A baby is going to love me forever and unconditionally (if I parent the way I think I'm capable of parenting). What do I do about the physical needs without being a stinky whore?

Universe, the power is in your hands!

Cut to 8 months later....

So, it's been exactly 8 months since my last post. I physically journaled til my life drastically changed, for the better mind you, in July.

Let's recap...

I co-habitated with Jen until about April....April 30th to be exact, but backtrack to February 27th...4 months to the day of our break-up. I was trying to be nice and start the cars that cold morning. Jen's keys were in her vest pocket, so I grabbed them and started the Buick. As the keys fell from my grip I discovered a keychain of the month of May 2012...there was a heart around the 17th. I turned cold then hot and shook all over. I didn't know what to do or think or say when I went back into the house. I mustered up the courage to ask Jen what the significance was, prefacing it with "I know it's none of my business...". She said it was just a gift. I walked out and screeched my tires off to work. I vented to co-workers on the way in and shut myself in my office. It didn't take long for Jen to text an apology and call herself an asshole. I soon realized I could no longer stay at work, no administrator was to be found, so I told Sue & Dee where I was going, cancelled lessons and rearranged one class then headed for Jenny's. She was so hopped up on drugs from her surgery I couldn't tell if she was really listening, but it wasn't long before Jen was texting she was on her way home and we needed to talk so I didn't draw my own conclusions. I didn't even want to look at her. She said it was just a friendship and didn't know where it was going but wanted to end things with us before pursuing anything. I asked if it was Ann...she looked me in the eyes and said no. She offered again to move out, but I said no because I couldn't afford to live on my own. I told her I hoped we could work things out and get back together. She said that was no going to happen. I went back to work at 11am, Jen worked from home. In the following months, she was home less and less until she just stopped coming home at the end of April. It was weeks before I even heard from her. When I did, she offered to make me dinner because she was going to be home that night. I was hesitant, but went. She made steak and potatoes, she had beer, I had wine...lots of it. The talk turned from idol chit chat to who was going to get and where the animals were going and that we were done. The nail in my coffin, so I thought. Jen was messaging me from Facebook one morning and the location stamp was "Corinna"...my heart sank. After school got out in June, Hunter was visiting. One night we were talking about where Jen was living and he said he thought she was living with Ann. Michelle confirmed it with me in a conversation later that week. I acted like I knew everything...holy shit I didn't know that much. It gave me a sense of closure that I need...that and telling Jen I hoped she and Ann lived happily ever after...ha ha. A week later, Jen, in a fit of rage, messaged me about turning her mother against me. We exchanged heated words ending hours later with her apologizing for hurting me. We gave a notice to move out by August 1st. Jen took the first week of July off and I made sure I was not around while she moved. She'd text me to let me know she was done for the day. The last time I had to see her was the day of the yard sale...July 27th...9 months to the day that we official broke-up. She was suppose to help me close up the house on the last day of our lease, but said work was too stressful and she wouldn't make it. So, on July 31st, I cleaned everything out and drove away from 21 Nadeau St for the last time.

My job in Milford was on the line...wanting to cut me and other specialists back...my position to 2 or 2.5 days a week. Losing my job was the last thing I needed. I rallied hardcore. Kids and a former student now music teacher wrote letters, parents showed up in droves for the March school board meeting, I made a kick-ass presentation and even got an interview on WABI. By the beginning of April, things were looking good...staying at 3 days. Then another bomb dropped...cutting K-2 music district-wide in RSU 34...found that one out after my Bradley concert. There was nothing I could do to save that position, the decision was made. By June, I was cleaning out my spaces and saying goodbye to kids and staff.

So, there I was in mid-June, ending a relationship with the first woman I loved of 7 years, finding myself part-time employed for one for lowest paying school districts in the area, and 6 weeks away from being homeless.

Let's backtrack again...the positive that came out of all of this is one amazing friend who ironically is also our school's assistant principal. During February vacation, Trish had posted on Facebook that watching "Rock of Ages" restored her faith in humanity. I chimed in that I was dying to see it at Collins Center in March but didn't have anyone to go with. She was all in...no joke. So I got tickets, backrow balcony...she was psyched, as was I! The night of the show, she came over to my house, we had lots of drinks and ended calling on a friend/co-worker, Rusty, for a ride to the show. I learned a lot about Trish that night and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Two weeks after the show, one Friday night when she was kid free, we planned a girls night at my place but Trish ended up canceling after a horrible day at work. I canceled plans with Renee and took Rusty's advice and went to Trish's. She was already tipsy when I arrived so I had some catching up to do. We invited Renee over who ended up dragging us to Judy's then Hollywood Slots where we met up with Rusty. Something was said and I got upset, Trish took off, Renee brought me back to Trish's where we broke in and I waited for Trish...okay, I passed out on the couch until she got home. It was amusing to see her face and hear her say "How the fuck did you get into my house?" We talked for a bit then she invited me to crash in her bed for the night. That was just the start of many drunken nights at 141 Fern. Our friendship strengthened as both our relationships were falling apart. The most memorable nights were when she fired up the ipod in Olivia's room and sang at the top of her lungs. When the song "A Thousand Years" came on, she motioned me to her, held me tight and stroked the back of my head as I unleashed weeks of tears I'd held back. Another night, Trish was upset about an incident with Scott, called me at 11pm and before I knew it, I was on my way over there. At first I just let her talk, but I ended up spending the night, we snuggled together, at her invitation, to aleveate the pain of being alone. The next morning was the first time she brought up me moving in. We went back and forth with the idea until it was settled...I was going to move in but under the radar. We began moving stuff out of Olivia's room the same week Jen was moving stuff out of our house. By week's end, my bed, clothes and personal effects were all moved in. July 5th, I spend my first night at my new, temporary, home.

On the job front, I was just steps away from applying for a position in Bangor but didn't pull the necessary references together in time so I let it slip away. Part of me didn't want to give up Milford, I needed consistency somewhere in my life. However, a 2 day a week position opened in Otis at the Beech Hill School. PERFECT! A bit of a commute, but I could do it! I filled out the application, pulled everything together and sent it out just in time for the deadline...July 5th! I didn't hear anything for weeks but finally got a call from the principal at the end of July for an interview. On July 31st I had what I thought was a decent interview with the principal and special ed teacher. I tried to keep an open mind. Sunday, August 4th, the principal called to say she was recommending me to the Superintendent, who would do a phone interview with me the next day. Monday, August 5th, after a 45 minute conversation with the Superintendent, of which I spoke maybe 5 minutes, she offered me a contract right over the phone. Life was moving on and up!!!

Life is not ideal, but it's improving from where I was a year ago, 6 months ago, hell, even 3 months ago. I'm living on the down-low with my best friend and her two adorable and energetic offspring who have deemed me "Aunt Keri", I'm working full time, even though my job is split between two schools 30 miles apart from each other, and my heart is healing...even if I do have my moments...those are allowed.

Thanks to me...

If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be where you are today!

You may have given up your life in the town your grew up in, but you are now a successful business woman and that's because you met me, moved up here and started working for Goodwill.

You may have missed out on the opportunity to see your nephews grow but you were part of the most important year of Lillie's life. It taught you not only to love children but to have patience in dealing with them.

You may have given up the nasty habit of smoking and seriously reduced the use of pot, but you developed a love for beer!

A lot happened in nearly 8 years and even though I wish it could be much much more, I will try to remember the great times we had, try to enjoy the friendship we will have and hope that some day you will realize that we are meant to be together.

In the final hours of 2012, I will shed the last tears for you. I need to start to mend this broken heart and make a future for myself. I love you so much and although you may not love me as much as you once did, your life has changed....thanks to me!

My how times change...

It seems weird to be blogging about the end of 2012 when I just read the last post from Feb. 2011. I was so full of life and excitement after having made a phone call to Acadia OB/GYN to begin the baby making process. Wow has life turned around!

It's New Year's Eve 2012...I'm alone, in my pajamas, eyes sore and bloodshot from crying. I lost a lot this year. The Mayans predicted the end of the world and little did I know it would mean the end of mine.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time and figure out just where it all went wrong. I never would've thought that something that was suppose to bring us such joy would cause such heartache and eventually the destruction of what was a truly beautiful relationship. Had our first insemination worked, we'd be celebrating our first full year with our baby girl or boy, planning a first birthday and being the strong family unit we dreamed of.

Now, we are looking at two different roads. Jen is unhappy, has been for a while and has made the decision that she needs to live for herself. One of her biggest obstacles is her job...she doesn't want to be a store manager anymore. We continue to live together but there is no more us. As much as I've cried, yelled, begged and asked for a second chance, she's made up her mind. I'm left with this plate full of anxiousness and heartache. I have no clue what is going to happen to me. I have to start thinking about my financial being and housing. Those are two HUGE things! So much of me wants to hope and believe that Jen will find a new job, be happy and successful and come back to us again. My brain says "move forward without her" and my heart says "you love her so much, just hold on, be brave, she'll come back", my gut says "It's over". Then there is the baby that I still want so much...the donor is still there and the offer still stands. The grown-up in me says to secure housing first and then work on the baby.

I promised myself this will be the last night of tears. I'm going to blog and write down everything and that's it "2012: Hell Year" will be in the books.

Getting Brave!!!

So Thursday I did it...I called Acadia OB/GYN and made an appointment for a consultation! March 18th we will meet with Dr. Bretta and get the ball rolling!

I was instantly excited. Any fear was gone and replaced with an "OMG, we're actually doing this." I instantly text Jen & her mom. Both very excited. Facebooked Jen who actually text me then called me because she couldn't wait to hear the news. She's very supportive right now!

Now I have even more drive to exercise and eat right!

So, I made the near perfect birthday cake for Lillie. Spongebob...I did awesome...it was like I was channelling Mom to get every character perfect! Her party was interesting...many awkward moments...and like always Lillie came back to Norridgewock with us!

We had an ok night. Jen's little snips are really getting to me. When I call her on it, she gets pissed. Her mom said she's just like her dad. As the night when on she got worse. Then she, Pete and Michelle went out to smoke...that's when I decided it was time for bed. I don't care if she only does it once in a while...I don't like it! NEVER WILL! Today Jen was hungover and sick as a dog...karma is all I have to say. I love her dearly but I can't love that. I can't feel bad for something she does to herself. I refuse to baby her...she's on her own.

On the flip side...there was a lot of baby talk this weekend. We threw out all kinds of names...Jacoby, Harrison, (Oh, Green Bay just won the Super Bowl)...for girls Madison, Madeline, Peyton. We even joked about Peyton Lynda (like Painting Lynda...which of course Jen ran with...we can spell it P-A-I-N-T-I-N-G...weirdo!).

So I have a day of detox ahead of me. I started the day off right...Fiber One Bar and Coffee knowing we were going to Mei Lee Gardens for lunch. I had 2 fingers, 1/2 egg roll, rice, a wing and a rangoon. By about 1:30-2 I had enough gas to fuel a bus. I had another finger, egg roll, 2 rangoons and some rice for supper and again, I was explosive. Then I topped it all off with ice cream. Tomorrow is all about salad, oatmeal, V8, and veg...plus 1 hour or more of cardio. I'm glad yucky food is making me feel yucky...my body is adjusting to good food!

Well, Jen's off to Portland in the morning, I have a car for 2 days, it's suppose to snow again Tuesday...auditions start tomorrow but are all messed up thanks to basketball tournaments...and I have NO help! I am not looking forward to this week at all!

Think Positive....

So, I admit, I can be a pessimist...nah, more of a worrier. So, when it all boils down, I am worried I won't get pregnant. BUT THEN, I turn it all around and daydream and smile about that little bundle of joy I'll be holding. THEN I read something about weight, diet, nutrition, exercise, age verse fertility and get bummed out. BUT THEN I think of all the over 35 women who've successfully conceived and I visualize what pregnancy and birth will be like.

STAY FOCUSED!

I've had an awesome week thus far. Exercised twice on Monday & today, a brief cardio stint Tuesday morning, switched a salad for the fries at CPG last night and salad for tortillas at lunch today. This goal weight is in sight and I'm read to rock a new body and vessel for my child.

Next step, call the OB/GYN...I'm so nervous only because I don't know what to ask for. I guess I can be up front about that when I call. Once that call is over and that appointment is made, I'll be on the road to mommyhood!

Jen's mom continues to say how honored she is to do this for us. However, she is very hard on Jen and that's tough because I can see where she's coming from but I know Jen will rise to the occasion. I do however, know how Jen can be and I really don't need the stress of her more angry moments especially during a pregnancy. I may have to have that chat with her.

Well, 4 great days of cardio and healthy eating...my body will be ready before I know it!