TGIF

What a crazy friggin day...

Slept like crap so that triggered a dull headache. Today I subbed in 1st grade which was chaos...they are like mini-middle schoolers. Lunch duty was most entertaining watching one little girl eat her chicken salad with a potato chip and another dipping her chip into her choc milk! Then my friend who calls me "Music Teacher" put his transformer in his lunch bag and threw it away...had a mini-meltdown...it was bad! The afternoon dragged because we didn't have nearly enough busy work. 1/4 of the class breezes through things and are done their work, 1/2 are working at a good pace, the remaining 1/4 are slow, slow, slow...it sucks! Then there is Mr. Mr...if you catch my drift. It would be frustrating to have to work with him on a daily basis BUT at the same time you can't help but feel bad...when you say "Spelling word number 1. is He" give the example and everything and the kid write three 1's....OMG! When PE finally rolled around, I busted ass getting what I could of the fun afternoon set up. Thank goodness Lori, Becky and Heidi were there to finish the job because the 1st graders were being POKEY! That dragged too...I couldn't wait to get out of there!

Jen wanted to sit and relax tonight which I was fine with. We sat for 1/2 hour then jumped into supper and dishes. It wasn't til the tail end that we had a big fight over my tone, how I was being a bitch...I said things, she said things...I hate fighting with her but I hate feeling like my job is not stressful or tiring. I broke down a few times while I was trying to eat. After Jen ate, she went for a walk. I went about cleaning up and the dishes. When she returned home I stayed busy. She broke the ice, I cried (what else) and we made up.

Got an SOS from Jen A. I thought her first text about wanting to talk was about our friendship, but it was about Ben talking with another woman....bastard! We offered her to come over but she has to talk to Ben...she deserves so much better!

Off to visit with Hunter & Lillie tomorrow....Chinese Food...I've almost earned it....damn chocolate!

Can't get down...

So I had a blah day...little motivation, serious ADD moments and snacky...must be that time of the month approaching! Even my workout seemed lifeless and dragged.

We had a nice dinner at City Park even though I wasn't in the mood to be there too long. Then we came home to play our new Mario game. That was so frustrating...Jen was getting pissed...I was ready to call it quits but she did before I had the chance. I was never good at that game as a kid, it's more frustrating as an adult. The 2 player mode isn't for us...we each get too frustrated.

Watched the first round of American Idol...it's amazing that they pass people through to the celebrity judge round for entertainment...sad in some ways because people just don't realize they are bad or are doing it on purpose...haven't figured that out yet!

Hoping that Wednesday speeds by and looking forward to a relaxing Thursday at home!

Reality Check

Saw a post this weekend from a Facebook friend/co-worker about hating money but thankful for this weekend. I got the full story from her at lunch and my heart broke into a million pieces. Everything is okay, but what if it wasn't...that's so tough! I feel like so many people have these successful pregnancies but there are a few that aren't or are troubled and lately they've been surrounding me. Me being the master worrier (not warrior) is already worried about my own and I'm not even close to being inseminated yet! Still, there is worry...BUT...I have to focus on today and what challenge is ahead of me...what do I need to do to get through another day and get myself that much closer to our goal. Only 354 days left of 2010 and so far so good...

Good start!!!

Week One weight results......-3.5 lbs!

WOO HOO!

I was so excited when I did my body test after my workout. I can do this, I will do this...YEAH BABY!

A great day...

Jen and I had a day off together. We slept til about 6:30, had coffee and our usual routine of online and TV. I did some housework while Jen showered. We had some quality time together before I showered. Then we headed to Bangor...she got 3 new outfits at JCP, 2 pair of shoes at Payless, I got 4 new bras and 5 new panties at Lane Bryant, we got a new Super Scrabble game, and then went to Applebees for lunch. Why do all the healthy options have to have mushrooms or peppercorns???

We went to Walmart then to Jen's to get my new phone...she was just getting out of bed even though I'm sure she wouldn't have done that had we not come over. 2:00 in the afternoon...come on now!!! Wait, there I go...focus on me, us, baby!

Our last stop was Hannaford...found whole grain pasta...hoping it doesn't taste like cardboard. We got home, unpacked, I played with my phone, we watched a little TV then moved to the kitchen so Jen could start supper. While sauce was simmering we played our new Scrabble game. All of a sudden I get a text from Aunt K. She was learning how to text on her new phone, apparently she was drinking too! Then she called from a bar! Then she send a picture of her and Kerry! WILD WOMAN! She had me in stitches.

We had supper, played just a little more Scrabble because Jen was tired then I did some house hunting.

My theory is that Jen needs to be home when I'm home because I am less likely to eat! Actually, today I wasn't that hungry...we weren't home much either, but still...it was a good feeling to not be controlled by food today!

MUCH more challenging day...

Ugh, I feel badly about today. Doesn't help that I've had a headache all day long! My eating was so sporatic and I've been hungry and not very busy so that didn't help my cause. Blah! At least I found a healthy alternative for supper....with the exception of bread and butter...who can pass up a Gov's dinner roll?

Survived the day...

So I'm a total loser and curled up on the couch at 7am and slept another 2 1/2 hours. I dragged ass to get housework done but eventually it got there.

I had some lunch before completing my workout but I got it in. I sweat a little today too. Slowly but surely I'll work up to where I used to be...little by little. Every bead of sweat, every pound shed is another step closer to motherhood!

We had such an awesome supper tonight....Jen's lemon pepper haddock, roasted squash and steamed broccoli. It was so good, so healthy and easy to make. I was on such a high after supper because I felt I had just eaten the most healthy meal. I was so proud of us. Then I caught the end of the evening news...talking about the obesity in America. I thought "Oh God, that's me...I'm one of those 35%...I'm a statistic." I don't want to be a statistic...I want to be a mom. I felt so sorry for the 16 year old who had already dropped 50 lbs but still weighed over 400lbs. In that 400lb girl, I saw Jen A...she's just 30 or so pounds away from that...but, I'm not suppose to worry about her....it's our year...our year to be parents.

I'm still worried about Jen. The bullshit is piling up and it's wearing her down. We had a tense moment because I'm trying to get her to open up and admit she's not just tired. I forget sometimes I can't pry...I just need to let her talk on her time. I love her so much...I want my baby back. She did open up a little bit as Ann was texting her...what a fucked up mess with Todd throwing her under the bus. On a happy note, she did say that she had to change her password at work today...let's just say that being parents is on her mind as much as it is mine!!!

Tomorrow I need to work on a letter to Dr. Davis. A lot of what he said in the meeting yesterday made sense. I'm so on the fence about my job...I want to stay, but I have to do what's right for my family. Then I think if I talk to him, maybe things will change for me next year, but what if they don't? And if I leave, will that be the end of music in Milford? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ended a program. That's why I need to write and edit and write and edit before I send it but I need to reach out. He needs to know I care.

Whitney....out!