TGIF

What a crazy friggin day...

Slept like crap so that triggered a dull headache. Today I subbed in 1st grade which was chaos...they are like mini-middle schoolers. Lunch duty was most entertaining watching one little girl eat her chicken salad with a potato chip and another dipping her chip into her choc milk! Then my friend who calls me "Music Teacher" put his transformer in his lunch bag and threw it away...had a mini-meltdown...it was bad! The afternoon dragged because we didn't have nearly enough busy work. 1/4 of the class breezes through things and are done their work, 1/2 are working at a good pace, the remaining 1/4 are slow, slow, slow...it sucks! Then there is Mr. Mr...if you catch my drift. It would be frustrating to have to work with him on a daily basis BUT at the same time you can't help but feel bad...when you say "Spelling word number 1. is He" give the example and everything and the kid write three 1's....OMG! When PE finally rolled around, I busted ass getting what I could of the fun afternoon set up. Thank goodness Lori, Becky and Heidi were there to finish the job because the 1st graders were being POKEY! That dragged too...I couldn't wait to get out of there!

Jen wanted to sit and relax tonight which I was fine with. We sat for 1/2 hour then jumped into supper and dishes. It wasn't til the tail end that we had a big fight over my tone, how I was being a bitch...I said things, she said things...I hate fighting with her but I hate feeling like my job is not stressful or tiring. I broke down a few times while I was trying to eat. After Jen ate, she went for a walk. I went about cleaning up and the dishes. When she returned home I stayed busy. She broke the ice, I cried (what else) and we made up.

Got an SOS from Jen A. I thought her first text about wanting to talk was about our friendship, but it was about Ben talking with another woman....bastard! We offered her to come over but she has to talk to Ben...she deserves so much better!

Off to visit with Hunter & Lillie tomorrow....Chinese Food...I've almost earned it....damn chocolate!

Can't get down...

So I had a blah day...little motivation, serious ADD moments and snacky...must be that time of the month approaching! Even my workout seemed lifeless and dragged.

We had a nice dinner at City Park even though I wasn't in the mood to be there too long. Then we came home to play our new Mario game. That was so frustrating...Jen was getting pissed...I was ready to call it quits but she did before I had the chance. I was never good at that game as a kid, it's more frustrating as an adult. The 2 player mode isn't for us...we each get too frustrated.

Watched the first round of American Idol...it's amazing that they pass people through to the celebrity judge round for entertainment...sad in some ways because people just don't realize they are bad or are doing it on purpose...haven't figured that out yet!

Hoping that Wednesday speeds by and looking forward to a relaxing Thursday at home!

Reality Check

Saw a post this weekend from a Facebook friend/co-worker about hating money but thankful for this weekend. I got the full story from her at lunch and my heart broke into a million pieces. Everything is okay, but what if it wasn't...that's so tough! I feel like so many people have these successful pregnancies but there are a few that aren't or are troubled and lately they've been surrounding me. Me being the master worrier (not warrior) is already worried about my own and I'm not even close to being inseminated yet! Still, there is worry...BUT...I have to focus on today and what challenge is ahead of me...what do I need to do to get through another day and get myself that much closer to our goal. Only 354 days left of 2010 and so far so good...

Good start!!!

Week One weight results......-3.5 lbs!

WOO HOO!

I was so excited when I did my body test after my workout. I can do this, I will do this...YEAH BABY!

A great day...

Jen and I had a day off together. We slept til about 6:30, had coffee and our usual routine of online and TV. I did some housework while Jen showered. We had some quality time together before I showered. Then we headed to Bangor...she got 3 new outfits at JCP, 2 pair of shoes at Payless, I got 4 new bras and 5 new panties at Lane Bryant, we got a new Super Scrabble game, and then went to Applebees for lunch. Why do all the healthy options have to have mushrooms or peppercorns???

We went to Walmart then to Jen's to get my new phone...she was just getting out of bed even though I'm sure she wouldn't have done that had we not come over. 2:00 in the afternoon...come on now!!! Wait, there I go...focus on me, us, baby!

Our last stop was Hannaford...found whole grain pasta...hoping it doesn't taste like cardboard. We got home, unpacked, I played with my phone, we watched a little TV then moved to the kitchen so Jen could start supper. While sauce was simmering we played our new Scrabble game. All of a sudden I get a text from Aunt K. She was learning how to text on her new phone, apparently she was drinking too! Then she called from a bar! Then she send a picture of her and Kerry! WILD WOMAN! She had me in stitches.

We had supper, played just a little more Scrabble because Jen was tired then I did some house hunting.

My theory is that Jen needs to be home when I'm home because I am less likely to eat! Actually, today I wasn't that hungry...we weren't home much either, but still...it was a good feeling to not be controlled by food today!

MUCH more challenging day...

Ugh, I feel badly about today. Doesn't help that I've had a headache all day long! My eating was so sporatic and I've been hungry and not very busy so that didn't help my cause. Blah! At least I found a healthy alternative for supper....with the exception of bread and butter...who can pass up a Gov's dinner roll?

Survived the day...

So I'm a total loser and curled up on the couch at 7am and slept another 2 1/2 hours. I dragged ass to get housework done but eventually it got there.

I had some lunch before completing my workout but I got it in. I sweat a little today too. Slowly but surely I'll work up to where I used to be...little by little. Every bead of sweat, every pound shed is another step closer to motherhood!

We had such an awesome supper tonight....Jen's lemon pepper haddock, roasted squash and steamed broccoli. It was so good, so healthy and easy to make. I was on such a high after supper because I felt I had just eaten the most healthy meal. I was so proud of us. Then I caught the end of the evening news...talking about the obesity in America. I thought "Oh God, that's me...I'm one of those 35%...I'm a statistic." I don't want to be a statistic...I want to be a mom. I felt so sorry for the 16 year old who had already dropped 50 lbs but still weighed over 400lbs. In that 400lb girl, I saw Jen A...she's just 30 or so pounds away from that...but, I'm not suppose to worry about her....it's our year...our year to be parents.

I'm still worried about Jen. The bullshit is piling up and it's wearing her down. We had a tense moment because I'm trying to get her to open up and admit she's not just tired. I forget sometimes I can't pry...I just need to let her talk on her time. I love her so much...I want my baby back. She did open up a little bit as Ann was texting her...what a fucked up mess with Todd throwing her under the bus. On a happy note, she did say that she had to change her password at work today...let's just say that being parents is on her mind as much as it is mine!!!

Tomorrow I need to work on a letter to Dr. Davis. A lot of what he said in the meeting yesterday made sense. I'm so on the fence about my job...I want to stay, but I have to do what's right for my family. Then I think if I talk to him, maybe things will change for me next year, but what if they don't? And if I leave, will that be the end of music in Milford? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ended a program. That's why I need to write and edit and write and edit before I send it but I need to reach out. He needs to know I care.

Whitney....out!

Challenge of the Day

Today is my day off...you know what that means...home alone! I must stay away from the kitchen. I have a lot to keep me busy, I just can't overeat!

I read a Facebook friend's status that said she was going to replace one bad thing with one good thing every day. I don't know that I have "bad things" to give up, I'm just trying to make positive changes.

I slipped a little yesterday but not bad. In the afternoon, I was starving at school while sticking around for my meeting. I remembered the candy in the closet. 210 calories for 5 pieces...I had 2 pieces...just enough to satisfy that urge. Jen asked what we were having for supper. I grabbed a box of lean pockets, but I told her we could have pizza and she didn't have to wait for me. I ate both pockets around 5pm and when I got home at 7:15, there on the table was a salad! Yay! That worked in my favor.

Yesterday I also psyched myself into thinking I've already lost weight. My pants seemed to button with little effort...I think it's all in my mind because it'd only been 3 days. I just try to keep in mind that I'm doing this all for a baby.

Day 4....away we go!

Worry of the day...

...Jen. I worry about her sometimes...okay, all of the time. She seems really down right now and I don't know what is wrong. When I ask, she says she's tired. I know she's had a crazy week so far with the fallout from staying open during a storm, a meeting in a Augusta, 2 meetings in Portland. Still, she's made mention to me and Ann that she's not happy with her job. I asked her if she regrets moving to Ellsworth. She said sometimes. That made my heart drop. I hate seeing her like this...it breaks my heart. I love her so much and I love the happy her. We had an amazing 3 days at home together and we never even argued once. Not that we are arguing now, but that tention is there and I don't like living like that. I wish I could make things better. I think we both need a change....career change, living situation change, a life makeover.

Jen said she was thinking about our wedding, when we get to have one. She was listening to the song "Yeah" and said it would be cool if we learned how to dance to it, like choreographed and had that as our first dance. I'm glad she's so positive about that happening because we could be in our 60s at the rate the country is going. NH assholes are looking to overturn their marriage law now!!!

Anyway, I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing...this too will pass.

Time for my focus of the day...Day 1: Eating Healthy, Day 2: Exercise.....Day 3...hmmm, I think today I need to focus on getting organized at school. I should take one day a week to do that. I have a meeting tonight, show choir starts next week, new music needs to be distributed for chorus and band...need to take a little time to get that together.

Happy Hump Day everyone!

The more I think about it...

...the more excited and scared I get. I can't obsess though, I have to take one day at a time. I have to focus on what needs to be done now, so we can do what needs to be done down the road so we can have what we want in the end.

Now...get healthy, save money, and get our affairs in order.

Down the road...doctor's appointment, insemination (1, 2, 3, 10 times???)

End result...a baby!!!

Still, my mind starts bouncing all around and I wonder if and when, how much will it cost. I wish I could share this with Jen but I know she's not a master worrier like me.

That's why I say...one day at a time. Yesterday's focus was eating healthy, today's will be exercise. My first session in months...I need to get back into a routine. As much as it sucked, I saw results and others did to!

Let's Get Pregnant in 2010!!!!

That's what Jen called it last night "I'm going to make it my facebook status". Even though it's day 4, for me it's day 1...something OCD about me starting on a Monday.

The first step in getting pregnant is losing weight. I'm not even really worried about the number I get down to, or the size I'll wear, it's getting healthy that I truly am concerned with. Day 1 went well...I'll follow up later with my Food Journal in the next blog.

If I spend the next 6 months getting healthy, tracking my cycle, and saving money, then this summer we can focus on insemination. We ARE going to do it this time. I want this more than ever!!!

Lazy ass....

So after days of being "snowed in" it was nice to get back into a routine. Saturday it snowed and snowed and we were prepared with munchies, meals, video games, blankets and sweats. I played DS, went on Facebook, watched a stupid movie with Jen. She played Bioshock and more Bioshock. We weren't tired...stayed downstairs until 11:30 then moved upstairs and still didn't get to sleep until after 1:00....hee hee!

Sunday's clean-up was much better than we thought. We went right out, cleaned and moved the cars, Stan was here within 20 minutes. He cleaned us out and we were done clean-up for the day! We played video games, watched New Years Eve videos and laughed our asses off. I made a dog bed for Bruschi, Jen made wings and ribs for the game...mmm, good! Jen made it through 1/2 of the game then went to take a nap. I played around the flip videos more then got caught up in CSI.

It's back to work, a routine, a good thing. Tomorrow also begins our goal for the new year...by this time next year...

1/1/10

We had an excellent time last night at City Park for karaoke and to ring in the New Year. It was just Ben & Marissa, Renee & Steve, and Jen & I but it was still a lot of fun. I didn't have a lot of luck with two of my karaoke songs....Lisa G took "Don't Stop Believin'" away from me AGAIN and Marissa took "U & UR Hand" away from me! At midnight we watched the ball drop in Times Square and had a champagne toast. It was a sweet moment! Got home around 1:30 and within 10 minutes decided it was time to go to bed.

We only slept until 7am this morning. We lounged around for a bit before heading out to Hannaford for supplies for the impending storm. Ben & Marissa were gone by the time we came home. Jen made us copypots and then we retreated to the living room for a Criminal Minds marathon. It wasn't long before we moved up to the bedroom for a nap. Well, the nap turned into the most intense sex we've had in a LONG time. God it felt good! We laid together a while longer, I dozed off until the power snapped on and off momentarily and woke me. We laid in bed and finished another episode of Criminal Minds before going back downstairs. Jen made us a snack of coldcuts. We tried to find something different on TV but there was nothing. We ordered Chinese food for supper...Jen waited quite impatiently...barking and meowing to annoy me! After that, she passed out on the couch while I watched even more Criminal Minds. What upsets me is that when they do a marathon, they often jump around and don't do the episodes in order...what happened to the dispatcher...gonna have to go online and investigate!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!