So each New Year's Eve I blog and reflect on the previous year. I am a few days late but there is a lot to reflect on....
In January I had to make the tough decision to say goodbye to Bruschi. It's so unfair that her life was cut so short by the same thing that took my family as a youngster. I miss her so much every day.
In February/March I was full speed ahead with marathon sessions for Legally Blonde Jr and Show Choir's "Frozen". We nearly didn't make the District level festival due to a 75 car pile-up on the interstate and the decision that traveling to Millinocket was just too dangerous. Luckily we were able to attend District VI and all was right with the world again. To our surprise, we even got a "I" at states!!!! Although there was push back from Cynthia and I was in full-on attack mode even with a mediation session with Trish, Legally Blonde Jr was a huge success. It was edgy and funny and showcased the raw talent of the kids I was so proud to call my own. Things with Melissa and I were tough. She wasn't getting any work with Quadgen and I was feeling the burn of supporting us.
Just as life was returning back to normal in April, I was shocked with the sudden death of Andrea Michaud. It still shakes me to the core to think that a person so full of life could be taken from this world so suddenly. It was a wake up call for me as well. I felt my position in Milford was in constant jeopardy and the commute to Beech Hill was killing me. I decided to shop around and see what was out there for new jobs.
May was spent filling out applications and setting up interviews under the radar from event my closest friends. Durham, York, Gorham, Freeport, Winslow and Bangor were all open and the apps were sent out in no time flat. The waiting began....an immediate interview (had to teach a lesson) with Durham and a quick thanks-but-no-thanks. Miss continued to apply for jobs and had been promised this and that and nothing panned out.
June...hell month...an attempted interview with Gorham but couldn't schedule one. A thanks for applying from York. We celebrated Missy's new job with Coastal Med Tech in Hermon. I couldn't handle my lemon of a lemon drop and treated myself to a 2014 Kia Soul. LOVE IT! Things were looking up. Just as the school years were wrapping up, Winslow called. It was hard scheduling something because they were out and Beech Hill was not. They were willing to work and I was willing to stretch the truth a little. I bolted to Winslow right after the day ended at BHS and had an interview to remember....teachers, parents, ed techs, admin, music teachers....what a committee. I got a tour of the rooms (holy packrats) then the principal nearly chased me out of the school to wait for a decision. By the time I landed at home, I was offered the job. A few days later, Kari gave birth to Lainey and I broke the news to her that I had accepted a position in Winslow. She was not happy!
In July, I began the home buying process. It was going to be a long road but one I was willing to travel. We were trying to buy Cheryl's house but I didn't pre-qualify for that amount and she wasn't willing to come down in price. Tracy, our real estate agent by default found a place but I cringed when she said Summer St. We took a chance and took a look and fell in love. We made an offer that night and by the end of the week a counter offer and it was accepted. The 90 day closing process began. Giving my notice to Milford was rough...the news spread with much disappointment but support too. Packing up my room was bitter-sweet.
August was spent traveling to and from Winslow. Melissa was transferred to the Waterville branch of Coastal Med Tech and often had the company van. I travelled to set-up my room, attend new teacher trainings and before I knew it, I was the new face of music at Winslow Elementary School. To top it off, Lillie was officially transferred to Winslow as well. It was nice to have each other to lean on in those first few days of school.
Throughout September & the first half of October, life was crazy. Commuting 120 miles a day, packing, final countdown to closing...now it seems those 9 weeks of commuting went by so fast. Moving day was met with rainy weather but we dodged what weather we could and with a crackpot team of Ben, Jenny and Tessa in Bangor and Linda, Sue, Mason and Daphne greeting us in Waterville, we were moved in by 5pm that evening. We were home. Lillie joined us on our first night as well while her new baby sister, Laila was entering the world.
November was spent unpacking, spending lots of time with Lillie, battling cold season, playing in the pit band for Seussical, and celebrating our first Thanksgiving in our new home with Aunt K, Jenny & Logan.
December was crazy trying to balance the holidays and all it's events, 3 concerts, trying to feed my soul with a visit to Bangor to spend time with Kari & Trish, and suddenly I throw my back out just a week before Christmas. Keeping traditions alive, Lillie helped me with my holiday baking and was proud to gift the goodies to her teachers. Aunt K came up just days before Christmas but had to cut her visit short due to snow on the way (on her birthday no less). Still, it was so special having her in our home for the holidays.
Melissa and I struggled with plans for New Years Eve. We couldn't get a reservation last minute, so I opted to make us dinner. I bought a nice bouquet of flowers and a card since we were also celebrating 2 years together. I was in the process of making alfredo when Miss walked up and handed me a small box. "What are you doing?" is all I could say. She joked "Relax, it's a nice pair of earrings." I hesitated to open in but when I did I was shocked to find a diamond ring and matching wedding band. "What are you doing?" I asked again, voice quivering. She said "I don't want to spend my life with anybody else." We cried and hugged and I tried to cram the ring on but it didn't fit. Still, I was so surprised. We enjoyed a yummy dinner and snuggled on the couch watching "Spy". It was a great way to end a whirlwind of a year.
Started the year in a hole-in-the-wall apartment, driving a roller skate, working a thankless job and commuting to another 30 miles away. Ended the year with a house, a job I love only 2 miles away, driving a newer car, and engaged.
BRING IT ON 2016!!!!!
Monday, January 4, 2016
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Everybody wants me….
So, Jen and I have talked in length twice now in the past year. Back in May when she was basically kicking her ass for the way she treated me and again when Bruschi died because she again fucked up by not coming up to say her goodbyes. Yep….she's an idiot! On more than one occasion she's talked about "if" she could go back, things would change, etc. She justifies it with how she really is happy where she's at and does love Ann. And I filled in the blank with a reference to FRIENDS….I said, but it's like when Ross made the list about Rachel and Julie and went to do Julie's list and said "she's not Rachel". Jen's replay was "exactly".
Melissa, such a kind soul but sometimes things don't sink in or it takes her a few times to understand where I'm coming from. She loves me like no one has ever loved me before. Her ups are up and her downs are down and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. She challenges me in every way possible but she also lets me be me. She lets me completely fall apart, come unglued, lose my shit, talk until I'm blue in the face…she doesn't always listen but she lets me talk. I just wish I could get more out of her financially. I want help with mutual bills and I want a bigger place to live and I want to feel secure. I don't feel secure. That's hard! However, I adore her family…they are wonderful…I'm going to make this work.
Then there's Trish. Something from day one of her presence in our school has drawn me to her. I pushed through this girl crush for 2/3 of that school year. She and I made plans to see Rock of Ages and started texting and chatting regularly. I confided in Jean that I had this crush. She said to be careful. We went to the musical, had many drunk nights, one night she called at 11pm saying she was sad and couldn't sleep and please come over. We cuddled in bed, talked about moving me in…it was a sleepless night for the most part but one I'll never forget. We did end up being roomies for 8 months. It was not all bad…we had great morning chats while I sipped coffee and she slapped on war paint. When I moved we drifted apart a bit. We had a few gatherings at Kari's until they had a falling out. At Christmas we had a precious moment; she gave me a lovely card. The Trish I remember so well was still there. Now, in the past we've had a few drunk moments where we joked about sucking face or touching one off but nothing ever happened. Today, she opened up and basically said that if I were a man I'd be the one for her. She said that I am the purest soul, I have the biggest heart, her heart goes boom when she thinks of me, she loves me and would go to the ends of the earth to see me happy and be sure I'm taken care of, we are soul mates and when I said many people in our lives fulfill what love is, that's so true for us. I let her go on and on. We cried. I said "ditto" and that maybe we weren't meant to be together in that capacity but we will always have each other. We hugged and cried and it was such an amazing feeling to hear her say what I've always felt but also to have healed enough to accept that we aren't meant to be a couple in the coupling way.
So perhaps, all the woe is me moments I've had, are a moot point. I've got three completely different women who want me…..my ex-wife, my current girlfriend and my best friend. Three different personalities all attracted to whatever they see in me. Am I really that fabulous? Will this give me the push I need to get out of my own way and be all that I am capable of? Is this my reason to live again?
WOW!
Melissa, such a kind soul but sometimes things don't sink in or it takes her a few times to understand where I'm coming from. She loves me like no one has ever loved me before. Her ups are up and her downs are down and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. She challenges me in every way possible but she also lets me be me. She lets me completely fall apart, come unglued, lose my shit, talk until I'm blue in the face…she doesn't always listen but she lets me talk. I just wish I could get more out of her financially. I want help with mutual bills and I want a bigger place to live and I want to feel secure. I don't feel secure. That's hard! However, I adore her family…they are wonderful…I'm going to make this work.
Then there's Trish. Something from day one of her presence in our school has drawn me to her. I pushed through this girl crush for 2/3 of that school year. She and I made plans to see Rock of Ages and started texting and chatting regularly. I confided in Jean that I had this crush. She said to be careful. We went to the musical, had many drunk nights, one night she called at 11pm saying she was sad and couldn't sleep and please come over. We cuddled in bed, talked about moving me in…it was a sleepless night for the most part but one I'll never forget. We did end up being roomies for 8 months. It was not all bad…we had great morning chats while I sipped coffee and she slapped on war paint. When I moved we drifted apart a bit. We had a few gatherings at Kari's until they had a falling out. At Christmas we had a precious moment; she gave me a lovely card. The Trish I remember so well was still there. Now, in the past we've had a few drunk moments where we joked about sucking face or touching one off but nothing ever happened. Today, she opened up and basically said that if I were a man I'd be the one for her. She said that I am the purest soul, I have the biggest heart, her heart goes boom when she thinks of me, she loves me and would go to the ends of the earth to see me happy and be sure I'm taken care of, we are soul mates and when I said many people in our lives fulfill what love is, that's so true for us. I let her go on and on. We cried. I said "ditto" and that maybe we weren't meant to be together in that capacity but we will always have each other. We hugged and cried and it was such an amazing feeling to hear her say what I've always felt but also to have healed enough to accept that we aren't meant to be a couple in the coupling way.
So perhaps, all the woe is me moments I've had, are a moot point. I've got three completely different women who want me…..my ex-wife, my current girlfriend and my best friend. Three different personalities all attracted to whatever they see in me. Am I really that fabulous? Will this give me the push I need to get out of my own way and be all that I am capable of? Is this my reason to live again?
WOW!
2015….we're not off to a good start!
So, I had all these hopes for the new year and despite my best efforts to "do this", life has slapped me down once again.
I'd sensed the animals weren't happy here and about mid January, Bruschi started acting funny. She had a moment just before Christmas too….lethargic, drinking a lot but not eating, leaking urine…..it was very strange. I bought new food and things seemed to be better. When she had a repeat performance one Sunday and again on a Thursday, I knew something was going on. 2 hours and $390 dollars later, she was diagnosed with a splenetic hemorrhaging tumor….she was bleeding internally. Surgery would buy her 6 months to 2 years. The vet actually said "euthanasia" and I was devastated. After another $300 dollars dropped on an ultrasound to confirm was the dr. already knew, it was time to make a choice. As much I as didn't want to let go, I decided I had to. I couldn't afford surgery and chemo and I certainly couldn't risk her bleeding to death. I reached out to Jen and she offered to send money but just couldn't come up and say goodbye. Coward! We had one amazing night together. I fed her treats to her hearts content. Miss took her to Five Guys and she had a burger, fries, etc. Trish brought the kids over…that was tough. Jen brought her kids over…poor Tessa. That night, Miss slept on the couch so Bruschi could sleep on the bed with me. I was awake early the next morning, laid on the floor next to her and the cats. It was so hard knowing this was it. Noon arrived before I knew it. We were "greeted" at the door and brought to the room. I read the "comforting" poems on the wall and talked with a very upset dog. She wanted out, like she could smell death in the room or something. The vet came in to go over options. I went with the sedation first then the sleep. It was another few minutes, the tech came in too. She hugged Bruschi tight while the doctor gave her the shot. That upset Bruschi and it was hard to see. Almost instantly she got very tipsy and collapsed in my arms. I slid her down to the floor and just talked to her and rubbed her head. I text Miss to get to the room….I couldn't do this alone. Bruschi's tongue would go in and out slowly. She was breathing but not mobile. It was the worst part of the whole ordeal. The vet came back in. She administered the shot that would shut down her heart. I played with those velvety ears as the vet listened to her chest. There were no more breaths and eventually she said "she's gone". 1/24/15, 12:20pm my precious, sometimes stupid dog slipped away. A life cut short and once again my heartbroken by cancer. 2 weeks later I was able to pick up her ashes and paw print. She came in a box with a velvet sack (and a ziploc bag). I had to open and see the ashes…it was more difficult than I thought…bone fragments. Since that day, life has not been the same. I keep expecting that movement on the bed, that sigh in the middle of the night, that greeting at the door. I do a double take in the pet isle and remember I don't have a dog to buy for anymore. On the same hand, I don't want a dog any time soon. She was special….irreplaceable.
I'd sensed the animals weren't happy here and about mid January, Bruschi started acting funny. She had a moment just before Christmas too….lethargic, drinking a lot but not eating, leaking urine…..it was very strange. I bought new food and things seemed to be better. When she had a repeat performance one Sunday and again on a Thursday, I knew something was going on. 2 hours and $390 dollars later, she was diagnosed with a splenetic hemorrhaging tumor….she was bleeding internally. Surgery would buy her 6 months to 2 years. The vet actually said "euthanasia" and I was devastated. After another $300 dollars dropped on an ultrasound to confirm was the dr. already knew, it was time to make a choice. As much I as didn't want to let go, I decided I had to. I couldn't afford surgery and chemo and I certainly couldn't risk her bleeding to death. I reached out to Jen and she offered to send money but just couldn't come up and say goodbye. Coward! We had one amazing night together. I fed her treats to her hearts content. Miss took her to Five Guys and she had a burger, fries, etc. Trish brought the kids over…that was tough. Jen brought her kids over…poor Tessa. That night, Miss slept on the couch so Bruschi could sleep on the bed with me. I was awake early the next morning, laid on the floor next to her and the cats. It was so hard knowing this was it. Noon arrived before I knew it. We were "greeted" at the door and brought to the room. I read the "comforting" poems on the wall and talked with a very upset dog. She wanted out, like she could smell death in the room or something. The vet came in to go over options. I went with the sedation first then the sleep. It was another few minutes, the tech came in too. She hugged Bruschi tight while the doctor gave her the shot. That upset Bruschi and it was hard to see. Almost instantly she got very tipsy and collapsed in my arms. I slid her down to the floor and just talked to her and rubbed her head. I text Miss to get to the room….I couldn't do this alone. Bruschi's tongue would go in and out slowly. She was breathing but not mobile. It was the worst part of the whole ordeal. The vet came back in. She administered the shot that would shut down her heart. I played with those velvety ears as the vet listened to her chest. There were no more breaths and eventually she said "she's gone". 1/24/15, 12:20pm my precious, sometimes stupid dog slipped away. A life cut short and once again my heartbroken by cancer. 2 weeks later I was able to pick up her ashes and paw print. She came in a box with a velvet sack (and a ziploc bag). I had to open and see the ashes…it was more difficult than I thought…bone fragments. Since that day, life has not been the same. I keep expecting that movement on the bed, that sigh in the middle of the night, that greeting at the door. I do a double take in the pet isle and remember I don't have a dog to buy for anymore. On the same hand, I don't want a dog any time soon. She was special….irreplaceable.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
My hopes for the new year….
2015….
Work off debt
Live a healthy life
Spend quality time with loved ones
Begin the process (again) of having a baby
LET'S DO THIS!!!!
Work off debt
Live a healthy life
Spend quality time with loved ones
Begin the process (again) of having a baby
LET'S DO THIS!!!!
2014 in Review
So, it's my nature to reflect on the year that was, making this a two part blog…
Just before the start of the year, I met Miss. She was a hot mess from a recent break-up and an overdose, but something kept me tied to her. When we finally met, she was a little more bad-ass than I imagined but very passionate. I was scared but willing to try. We spent NYE at her best friend's house, and despite my warning that we may not see a lot of each other because I was busy with my musical and show choir, we only ended up going two weeks. The whole idea of a relationship with her was terrifying. She was negative, diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, she'd recently overdosed just a month after threatening to take her life after her break-up, her ex slapped a Protection From Abuse order on her, and she was unemployed. But, I thought, all that was just temporary….right? Well, things were up and down. We shared dreams of babies and a beach wedding. However, something about her kept this wall up. I thought, maybe this is what it's like to be bi-polar…that's why she's got stars in her eyes one minute and throwing daggers the next. I continued to ride out the storm. I thought things would feel different when I had a place of my own, but she just became a fixture in the apartment. She had these dark times that were hard to swallow. Her energy drained mine. I just kept riding the waves. It wasn't until mid-May when things finally exploded. Jen had reached out to me, that's a story for a later date, but after a few days of being in touch, Miss took it upon herself to reach out to Jen. She thought it was ok to say hi and want to be friendly. This was the part of Miss I didn't get…she'd reached out to Kari and Trish in the same way but this crossed a line. Via text (our most popular way of communicating) we exchanged words, I felt betrayed, she asked if I wanted her to leave…I didn't hesitate with a "yes". The texts, the emails, the voice mails poured in…I was hurt. A month went by before I broke the silence. It was the day of the pride parade in Bangor. There I was with a 10 year old & 7 year old but for some reason I craved the company of my girlfriend. Soon we began to chat again and by the end of July, we were together again. She'd come off a lot of meds, lost 30 lbs, and got a job. Most important, there was a bit of light where darkness once resided. We made love and I cried…I had missed her. August she was asked to travel to St. Louis for work, September took her to Detriot, October to Montana. She loved working and it was good for us to spend time apart. However, our conversations went in all directions from the miscommunication of text vs. speak. She'd all but moved in by mid-October. I attended the first family function at the Ward house….officially met her sister, step-sisters, step-brother and their families. It was a bit overwhelming since I was coming from a board meeting, but I was well received. Her family is very nice. In November, Miss was laid up with wrist surgery. That meant no work but even when she was cleared to do so, there was no work. Thanksgiving came, her sister & I teamed up to cook dinner at her dad's house. It was small but fun. Miss had such joy in her eyes that day. It was nice to see. December was tough since the PFA was to expire, there was still no work for her, and now that she was living here, things were getting expensive. We seemed to argue a lot. I was stressed. It was vicious at times. We finally agreed to treat ourselves and each other better. She would look for other work and I would try not to worry so much about it. We'll see what 2015 brings for us. I keep holding on!
Now back to Jen. I was doing my best to move forward without her and being with Miss helped, although the comparisons were always there. In February, at the DV show choir festival, I thought I was in the clear because Addy's group was scheduled well after ours. I went to talk to my 8th graders, felt a tap on the shoulder and looked up to see Jen. She said "Your kids did a great job!" I said "Thanks" and notice Ann's face buried in her phone. A month later, at States, Addy's group was in a whole other division and they were pretty much cleared out by the time we moved in. I caught the award ceremony enough to see Jen put her arm around Ann. I still felt it was a strange fucking relationship. Out of the blue, in May, Jen messaged me. We became Facebook friends, spent our evenings chatting, and things got deep. She apologized to me. Said she wished things had turned out differently, regrets what she did, was sorry she gave up, etc. Then she said she was struggling being in love with two different people for different reasons at the same time. That threw me. We continued to talk, she told me I could do better than Miss but I felt she could do better than Ann so whatever. After the fallout with Miss, we threw around the idea of getting together but she was sneaking around behind Ann's back as it was. There were many times I'd say something and she'd reply with "sigh". That's how I knew she really did miss me. She said she and Ann never did things together, Ann didn't like to be outside, she sat alone on the deck a lot, there were a lot of things she missed but she didn't want to give up on another relationship. One Saturday, we got deep, it hurt, I spent the whole day in bed, crying, at one point, Jen was beside herself because she wanted to make sure I was ok. When it came right down to it, no matter what, our views were still different on one thing….having a baby. So, the tone of the conversations shifted to what we could talk about. We still chatted every day, did some reminiscing, but things were definitely over. After Hunter & Lillie spent some time here, they were getting into chatting with Jen too. It was Saturday, July 5th…suddenly I noticed Jen was no longer on chat. Her Facebook page was gone too. What the hell was going on? I text and emailed but didn't get a response until two days later. Ann was going through Addy's Facebook page, saw Jen was commenting on my stuff and was pissed! Since then, we haven't talked.
Among other changes in my world, I got my own place in March. I thought it would make such a difference in my happiness but I was/am miserable living here. It's so small that I bump into everything. The animals don't seem happy. It's certainly not big enough for two people but I've managed to move Melissa in. Then there is lack of heat, smell of pot, bitchy neighbor, dumping ground out back, and the landlord. Melissa & I are itching to find something different.
My two best buds from 2K13, have each taken on a different role in my world. Kari has become the sister I never had in which to create moments that'll make you pee your pants. We talk almost daily and she really is the best friend I've ever had. Trish continues to be a hot mess but God I love that woman. I just wish she could get out of her own way and see the beauty that she possesses.
In addition to a new apartment, I got a new classroom. It's the one I've eye-balled for so long and now it's mine. It was such a positive start to the new year. I'm still playing with the set-up but it's such a blessing to have the space I deserve. Trish played a huge part in getting me that room.
My school year was a stressful one with two schools, 16 and 26 miles away….which meant commuting for the first time. I don't think I've ever been so tired in all my life. My Disney Show Choir performed below average compared to the Wicked group. It was somewhat disappointing but it's hard to recreate something so amazing. Now to focus on the Frozen crew…it's already been an interesting ride! My musical, The Little Mermaid, was visually stunning, I had an amazing crew of talent, but sadly, on the weekend of the performance, my Ariel lost her voice for real. At the end of it all, I lost 5 cast members to the flu. However, the most touching moment was the presentation of a ceiling tile dedicated to me. Larry hung it right above the stage for all to see. However, days later, someone complained, Larry was read the riot act, and it was removed. It now resides above my new office door.
So many changes in 2014, I'm looking forward to moving on to the next phase of life. I have hopes and dreams for the year…time to work each day on making them happen.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Two steps forward, ten steps back
So, here I am, moving forward...my jobs are keeping me very busy but I'm keeping organized and things are going well. The Beech Hill School has welcomed me with open arms and I'm making connections. I still wish I had a classroom, but it's a good fit. Milford is like home and always will be. I wish things were better at the administrative level, but we never have good luck in that department!
But work is all I have!
A few weeks ago, Jen and I had a 4 hour text conversation where she admitted that she'd wished she'd done things differently but wished I had to, but she's happy now. I don't understand how!?! I never will. Meanwhile, I'm left with bittersweet memories and haunting dreams. It's about every other night that I'll have a dream about Jen that starts off so wonderful and things will be as they were or we are reconnecting and suddenly the dream takes a sharp turn and everything goes horribly wrong and I wake up feeling beaten up all over again.
So many stupid little things remind me of what we I had. Our first time we met, Jen had a cold and she had a package of Halls and we joked there were 9 in the package...why 9? Well, I had a dry cough and pulled out my bag of Halls and I smiled for a moment when I noticed the package count was 30. Then I was sad...that part of my life has come to an end.
I'm doing so many things alone and I'm not enjoying it. Memories hurt, crying helps, but I'm also very lonely. I crave to be held and hugged and loved and being the most important person in someone's life. I want to feel that love and not take it for granted. Then I see a mom and baby and think "No, that's what I want!" I'm starting think I can have one or the other but I can't have both.
So, I'm throwing this out to the universe and whatever higher power is out there....I will do my best to treat myself better. Physically I am going to get back on track with WW and PF and stop drinking every night of the week. Emotionally, I'm going to cry it out and try like hell not to think about what might've been but I'm not making any promises. In turn, please subconscious, stop making me dream about what it!!! I need help determining which will be the better path for me...do I try to move in the direction of having a baby or do I try to find that special someone who is going to love me forever. A baby is going to love me forever and unconditionally (if I parent the way I think I'm capable of parenting). What do I do about the physical needs without being a stinky whore?
Universe, the power is in your hands!
But work is all I have!
A few weeks ago, Jen and I had a 4 hour text conversation where she admitted that she'd wished she'd done things differently but wished I had to, but she's happy now. I don't understand how!?! I never will. Meanwhile, I'm left with bittersweet memories and haunting dreams. It's about every other night that I'll have a dream about Jen that starts off so wonderful and things will be as they were or we are reconnecting and suddenly the dream takes a sharp turn and everything goes horribly wrong and I wake up feeling beaten up all over again.
So many stupid little things remind me of what we I had. Our first time we met, Jen had a cold and she had a package of Halls and we joked there were 9 in the package...why 9? Well, I had a dry cough and pulled out my bag of Halls and I smiled for a moment when I noticed the package count was 30. Then I was sad...that part of my life has come to an end.
I'm doing so many things alone and I'm not enjoying it. Memories hurt, crying helps, but I'm also very lonely. I crave to be held and hugged and loved and being the most important person in someone's life. I want to feel that love and not take it for granted. Then I see a mom and baby and think "No, that's what I want!" I'm starting think I can have one or the other but I can't have both.
So, I'm throwing this out to the universe and whatever higher power is out there....I will do my best to treat myself better. Physically I am going to get back on track with WW and PF and stop drinking every night of the week. Emotionally, I'm going to cry it out and try like hell not to think about what might've been but I'm not making any promises. In turn, please subconscious, stop making me dream about what it!!! I need help determining which will be the better path for me...do I try to move in the direction of having a baby or do I try to find that special someone who is going to love me forever. A baby is going to love me forever and unconditionally (if I parent the way I think I'm capable of parenting). What do I do about the physical needs without being a stinky whore?
Universe, the power is in your hands!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Cut to 8 months later....
So, it's been exactly 8 months since my last post. I physically journaled til my life drastically changed, for the better mind you, in July.
Let's recap...
I co-habitated with Jen until about April....April 30th to be exact, but backtrack to February 27th...4 months to the day of our break-up. I was trying to be nice and start the cars that cold morning. Jen's keys were in her vest pocket, so I grabbed them and started the Buick. As the keys fell from my grip I discovered a keychain of the month of May 2012...there was a heart around the 17th. I turned cold then hot and shook all over. I didn't know what to do or think or say when I went back into the house. I mustered up the courage to ask Jen what the significance was, prefacing it with "I know it's none of my business...". She said it was just a gift. I walked out and screeched my tires off to work. I vented to co-workers on the way in and shut myself in my office. It didn't take long for Jen to text an apology and call herself an asshole. I soon realized I could no longer stay at work, no administrator was to be found, so I told Sue & Dee where I was going, cancelled lessons and rearranged one class then headed for Jenny's. She was so hopped up on drugs from her surgery I couldn't tell if she was really listening, but it wasn't long before Jen was texting she was on her way home and we needed to talk so I didn't draw my own conclusions. I didn't even want to look at her. She said it was just a friendship and didn't know where it was going but wanted to end things with us before pursuing anything. I asked if it was Ann...she looked me in the eyes and said no. She offered again to move out, but I said no because I couldn't afford to live on my own. I told her I hoped we could work things out and get back together. She said that was no going to happen. I went back to work at 11am, Jen worked from home. In the following months, she was home less and less until she just stopped coming home at the end of April. It was weeks before I even heard from her. When I did, she offered to make me dinner because she was going to be home that night. I was hesitant, but went. She made steak and potatoes, she had beer, I had wine...lots of it. The talk turned from idol chit chat to who was going to get and where the animals were going and that we were done. The nail in my coffin, so I thought. Jen was messaging me from Facebook one morning and the location stamp was "Corinna"...my heart sank. After school got out in June, Hunter was visiting. One night we were talking about where Jen was living and he said he thought she was living with Ann. Michelle confirmed it with me in a conversation later that week. I acted like I knew everything...holy shit I didn't know that much. It gave me a sense of closure that I need...that and telling Jen I hoped she and Ann lived happily ever after...ha ha. A week later, Jen, in a fit of rage, messaged me about turning her mother against me. We exchanged heated words ending hours later with her apologizing for hurting me. We gave a notice to move out by August 1st. Jen took the first week of July off and I made sure I was not around while she moved. She'd text me to let me know she was done for the day. The last time I had to see her was the day of the yard sale...July 27th...9 months to the day that we official broke-up. She was suppose to help me close up the house on the last day of our lease, but said work was too stressful and she wouldn't make it. So, on July 31st, I cleaned everything out and drove away from 21 Nadeau St for the last time.
My job in Milford was on the line...wanting to cut me and other specialists back...my position to 2 or 2.5 days a week. Losing my job was the last thing I needed. I rallied hardcore. Kids and a former student now music teacher wrote letters, parents showed up in droves for the March school board meeting, I made a kick-ass presentation and even got an interview on WABI. By the beginning of April, things were looking good...staying at 3 days. Then another bomb dropped...cutting K-2 music district-wide in RSU 34...found that one out after my Bradley concert. There was nothing I could do to save that position, the decision was made. By June, I was cleaning out my spaces and saying goodbye to kids and staff.
So, there I was in mid-June, ending a relationship with the first woman I loved of 7 years, finding myself part-time employed for one for lowest paying school districts in the area, and 6 weeks away from being homeless.
Let's backtrack again...the positive that came out of all of this is one amazing friend who ironically is also our school's assistant principal. During February vacation, Trish had posted on Facebook that watching "Rock of Ages" restored her faith in humanity. I chimed in that I was dying to see it at Collins Center in March but didn't have anyone to go with. She was all in...no joke. So I got tickets, backrow balcony...she was psyched, as was I! The night of the show, she came over to my house, we had lots of drinks and ended calling on a friend/co-worker, Rusty, for a ride to the show. I learned a lot about Trish that night and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Two weeks after the show, one Friday night when she was kid free, we planned a girls night at my place but Trish ended up canceling after a horrible day at work. I canceled plans with Renee and took Rusty's advice and went to Trish's. She was already tipsy when I arrived so I had some catching up to do. We invited Renee over who ended up dragging us to Judy's then Hollywood Slots where we met up with Rusty. Something was said and I got upset, Trish took off, Renee brought me back to Trish's where we broke in and I waited for Trish...okay, I passed out on the couch until she got home. It was amusing to see her face and hear her say "How the fuck did you get into my house?" We talked for a bit then she invited me to crash in her bed for the night. That was just the start of many drunken nights at 141 Fern. Our friendship strengthened as both our relationships were falling apart. The most memorable nights were when she fired up the ipod in Olivia's room and sang at the top of her lungs. When the song "A Thousand Years" came on, she motioned me to her, held me tight and stroked the back of my head as I unleashed weeks of tears I'd held back. Another night, Trish was upset about an incident with Scott, called me at 11pm and before I knew it, I was on my way over there. At first I just let her talk, but I ended up spending the night, we snuggled together, at her invitation, to aleveate the pain of being alone. The next morning was the first time she brought up me moving in. We went back and forth with the idea until it was settled...I was going to move in but under the radar. We began moving stuff out of Olivia's room the same week Jen was moving stuff out of our house. By week's end, my bed, clothes and personal effects were all moved in. July 5th, I spend my first night at my new, temporary, home.
On the job front, I was just steps away from applying for a position in Bangor but didn't pull the necessary references together in time so I let it slip away. Part of me didn't want to give up Milford, I needed consistency somewhere in my life. However, a 2 day a week position opened in Otis at the Beech Hill School. PERFECT! A bit of a commute, but I could do it! I filled out the application, pulled everything together and sent it out just in time for the deadline...July 5th! I didn't hear anything for weeks but finally got a call from the principal at the end of July for an interview. On July 31st I had what I thought was a decent interview with the principal and special ed teacher. I tried to keep an open mind. Sunday, August 4th, the principal called to say she was recommending me to the Superintendent, who would do a phone interview with me the next day. Monday, August 5th, after a 45 minute conversation with the Superintendent, of which I spoke maybe 5 minutes, she offered me a contract right over the phone. Life was moving on and up!!!
Life is not ideal, but it's improving from where I was a year ago, 6 months ago, hell, even 3 months ago. I'm living on the down-low with my best friend and her two adorable and energetic offspring who have deemed me "Aunt Keri", I'm working full time, even though my job is split between two schools 30 miles apart from each other, and my heart is healing...even if I do have my moments...those are allowed.
Let's recap...
I co-habitated with Jen until about April....April 30th to be exact, but backtrack to February 27th...4 months to the day of our break-up. I was trying to be nice and start the cars that cold morning. Jen's keys were in her vest pocket, so I grabbed them and started the Buick. As the keys fell from my grip I discovered a keychain of the month of May 2012...there was a heart around the 17th. I turned cold then hot and shook all over. I didn't know what to do or think or say when I went back into the house. I mustered up the courage to ask Jen what the significance was, prefacing it with "I know it's none of my business...". She said it was just a gift. I walked out and screeched my tires off to work. I vented to co-workers on the way in and shut myself in my office. It didn't take long for Jen to text an apology and call herself an asshole. I soon realized I could no longer stay at work, no administrator was to be found, so I told Sue & Dee where I was going, cancelled lessons and rearranged one class then headed for Jenny's. She was so hopped up on drugs from her surgery I couldn't tell if she was really listening, but it wasn't long before Jen was texting she was on her way home and we needed to talk so I didn't draw my own conclusions. I didn't even want to look at her. She said it was just a friendship and didn't know where it was going but wanted to end things with us before pursuing anything. I asked if it was Ann...she looked me in the eyes and said no. She offered again to move out, but I said no because I couldn't afford to live on my own. I told her I hoped we could work things out and get back together. She said that was no going to happen. I went back to work at 11am, Jen worked from home. In the following months, she was home less and less until she just stopped coming home at the end of April. It was weeks before I even heard from her. When I did, she offered to make me dinner because she was going to be home that night. I was hesitant, but went. She made steak and potatoes, she had beer, I had wine...lots of it. The talk turned from idol chit chat to who was going to get and where the animals were going and that we were done. The nail in my coffin, so I thought. Jen was messaging me from Facebook one morning and the location stamp was "Corinna"...my heart sank. After school got out in June, Hunter was visiting. One night we were talking about where Jen was living and he said he thought she was living with Ann. Michelle confirmed it with me in a conversation later that week. I acted like I knew everything...holy shit I didn't know that much. It gave me a sense of closure that I need...that and telling Jen I hoped she and Ann lived happily ever after...ha ha. A week later, Jen, in a fit of rage, messaged me about turning her mother against me. We exchanged heated words ending hours later with her apologizing for hurting me. We gave a notice to move out by August 1st. Jen took the first week of July off and I made sure I was not around while she moved. She'd text me to let me know she was done for the day. The last time I had to see her was the day of the yard sale...July 27th...9 months to the day that we official broke-up. She was suppose to help me close up the house on the last day of our lease, but said work was too stressful and she wouldn't make it. So, on July 31st, I cleaned everything out and drove away from 21 Nadeau St for the last time.
My job in Milford was on the line...wanting to cut me and other specialists back...my position to 2 or 2.5 days a week. Losing my job was the last thing I needed. I rallied hardcore. Kids and a former student now music teacher wrote letters, parents showed up in droves for the March school board meeting, I made a kick-ass presentation and even got an interview on WABI. By the beginning of April, things were looking good...staying at 3 days. Then another bomb dropped...cutting K-2 music district-wide in RSU 34...found that one out after my Bradley concert. There was nothing I could do to save that position, the decision was made. By June, I was cleaning out my spaces and saying goodbye to kids and staff.
So, there I was in mid-June, ending a relationship with the first woman I loved of 7 years, finding myself part-time employed for one for lowest paying school districts in the area, and 6 weeks away from being homeless.
Let's backtrack again...the positive that came out of all of this is one amazing friend who ironically is also our school's assistant principal. During February vacation, Trish had posted on Facebook that watching "Rock of Ages" restored her faith in humanity. I chimed in that I was dying to see it at Collins Center in March but didn't have anyone to go with. She was all in...no joke. So I got tickets, backrow balcony...she was psyched, as was I! The night of the show, she came over to my house, we had lots of drinks and ended calling on a friend/co-worker, Rusty, for a ride to the show. I learned a lot about Trish that night and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Two weeks after the show, one Friday night when she was kid free, we planned a girls night at my place but Trish ended up canceling after a horrible day at work. I canceled plans with Renee and took Rusty's advice and went to Trish's. She was already tipsy when I arrived so I had some catching up to do. We invited Renee over who ended up dragging us to Judy's then Hollywood Slots where we met up with Rusty. Something was said and I got upset, Trish took off, Renee brought me back to Trish's where we broke in and I waited for Trish...okay, I passed out on the couch until she got home. It was amusing to see her face and hear her say "How the fuck did you get into my house?" We talked for a bit then she invited me to crash in her bed for the night. That was just the start of many drunken nights at 141 Fern. Our friendship strengthened as both our relationships were falling apart. The most memorable nights were when she fired up the ipod in Olivia's room and sang at the top of her lungs. When the song "A Thousand Years" came on, she motioned me to her, held me tight and stroked the back of my head as I unleashed weeks of tears I'd held back. Another night, Trish was upset about an incident with Scott, called me at 11pm and before I knew it, I was on my way over there. At first I just let her talk, but I ended up spending the night, we snuggled together, at her invitation, to aleveate the pain of being alone. The next morning was the first time she brought up me moving in. We went back and forth with the idea until it was settled...I was going to move in but under the radar. We began moving stuff out of Olivia's room the same week Jen was moving stuff out of our house. By week's end, my bed, clothes and personal effects were all moved in. July 5th, I spend my first night at my new, temporary, home.
On the job front, I was just steps away from applying for a position in Bangor but didn't pull the necessary references together in time so I let it slip away. Part of me didn't want to give up Milford, I needed consistency somewhere in my life. However, a 2 day a week position opened in Otis at the Beech Hill School. PERFECT! A bit of a commute, but I could do it! I filled out the application, pulled everything together and sent it out just in time for the deadline...July 5th! I didn't hear anything for weeks but finally got a call from the principal at the end of July for an interview. On July 31st I had what I thought was a decent interview with the principal and special ed teacher. I tried to keep an open mind. Sunday, August 4th, the principal called to say she was recommending me to the Superintendent, who would do a phone interview with me the next day. Monday, August 5th, after a 45 minute conversation with the Superintendent, of which I spoke maybe 5 minutes, she offered me a contract right over the phone. Life was moving on and up!!!
Life is not ideal, but it's improving from where I was a year ago, 6 months ago, hell, even 3 months ago. I'm living on the down-low with my best friend and her two adorable and energetic offspring who have deemed me "Aunt Keri", I'm working full time, even though my job is split between two schools 30 miles apart from each other, and my heart is healing...even if I do have my moments...those are allowed.
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